Archive for the ‘confidence’ Category

I had tea with a male friend recently.  He asked me an interesting question.  “When women are single it’s like they are in bloom.  Their energy is different.  They are full of life and excited about possibilities, doing what they want and pursuing their passions.  Then they get into a relationship, even with a decent guy, and it’s like everything changes and their bloom gets crushed. Why is that?”

Is this YOU?

My answer began with a question.  We hadn’t seen each other much for quite sometime so I asked, “has my energy changed?”  His reply was “No.”  I asked because I am in a relationship and I didn’t want to answer all expert-like if my energy had become crushed.

So, here is my theory.  Women are raised to believe that the right relationship will complete her.  Whether we are hetero, lesbian or bi we are often under the impression that the right person will make all our ills go away, make us complete and create the “happily ever after.”  Even though we see evidence to the contrary all around us, it’s still somehow in our DNA.  Just look at how many girls are completely enamored with princesses.  It’s not just the fancy dresses and shoes, it’s the promise of prince charming that makes the story compelling.

Most women are in love with love and the wedding is the ultimate expression of that love, the possibility of happily ever after.  However, reality shows the opposite.  Single women are happier than married and married men are happier than single.  So why is it that men desire singledom and women desire marriage?  Mostly it’s conditioning.

Watch any show about weddings and you’ll see the woman is the one with the huge smile on her face.  She’s planning the party, getting the most beautiful expensive dress she can manage (or not in most cases!), she’s completely into the big party where she’s about to be at the center.  The Sex and the City movie was a perfect example.  Carrie and Big wanted a small intimate wedding but then she found this incredible dress and the whole thing took on a life of it’s own to keep up with the dress.  Weddings are an entity all on their own and we forget that there’s a sometimes difficult life to be lived after the party.

Another part of the problem is that women are really good at the “just enough”.  He’s (or she’s) got some issues, but he’s pretty good and he loves me and he wants to marry me (YAY!!) so either we’ll change the things that make me crazy or they’re really not as bad as I think they are.  Sorry, they aren’t going to go away and once you’ve been with him for a few years, they’ll actually be worse!

Some say women should settle.  No wonder we’re so unhappy and crushed.  Women are the ones who are always trying to fix things, to make them better.  If we’re fighting against another person’s real self, we’re bound to fail!  I don’t want anyone to “fix” me, why would someone else want me to fix them?  Of course there will be problems and hurt feelings and disappointment.

As my friend said, even if they guy is decent, the woman can become crushed underfoot.  He may not mean to.  Sometimes it’s our own expectations that crush us.

The question then becomes, how do we be in relationship and not get crushed?

Or is this YOU?

It’s all about us and our expectations.  First, we have to be full and complete on our own without waiting for someone or something else to complete us.  The myth is that when you find the right person they will fill the holes in ourselves – the whole “other half” fable.  Truth is, if you aren’t happy and complete alone, you can never be happy with someone else.  you need to be willing to pursue what’s important to you in your life and to CONTINUE doing it no matter what your relationship status is.  The right person will love that you have your own thing going on and won’t try to stop you from pursuing your dreams.

The other piece is knowing what you want in a relationship.  Rather than settling for someone “good enough” you have to know what things are most critical for you in a partner.  Make a list of 50 things.  Narrow it down to 30 then narrow it down to 10.  Those 10 are the things you will not compromise on.  Everything else is gravy.  This isn’t settling, this is knowing what your priorities are.

For example, my “perfect” man would be over 6′2 and 38+.  However, my man is 5′10 (I’m 6′) and 34 (I’m 45).  If I had been inflexible on something as insignificant as height and age, I would have missed out on this wonderful man who has much more important qualities like being supportive, kind, a generous soul who is adventurous, loves to have fun and is living his dreams.

This is why my flower is not crushed.  Over time, I’ve figured out what’s important to me in my life and I’m unwilling to settle for anything less.  I am confident in myself and don’t need a man to make me feel good or loved.  (Don’t kid yourself ladies, there are men out there looking for “love” for the same wrong reasons.)

Keep your flower nourished, ladies, you deserve to have only the best in your life whether you’re single or in a relationship.  If you’re in a relationship and have already become crushed, start living for what is important to you and fertilize yourself back to full bloom.  You are the beauty of the world, show it off!

Love, Christie

Be Beautiful, Be YOU!

www.thebadkitty.com

This is a reprint of an article I wrote that appears in Womanition magazine.  Enjoy!

Ladies, when’s the last time you thought of yourself before your kids, your husband, your work? When someone asks you about yourself, do you define yourself by your family and work? Have you forgetten your dreams? Do you rush through your day barely registering each moment?

Before you start justifying or beating yourself up, let me assure you, you are not alone! You, like most modern women, are suffering from the Martyr Complex.

Women are caregivers. Men do the fighting, we do the healing. This is how we’re naturally built.  The problem comes when our caregiving nature overtakes everything else.

The martyr is the woman who has forgotten that she is important. The martyr doesn’t recognize that in order to give she has to take care of herself. The martyr is running on empty. The martyr is slowly killing herself on the inside.

Signs of the Martyr Complex:

1.Thinking of everyone else first. How often have you taken care of everyone else all day and barely leave enough time and energy to wash your face before you crawl into bed? How many times have you given up what you really want to do in a day so someone else will be happy?

2. Forgetting your dreams. If someone asked you “what’s your passion or your dream,” would you know how to answer? Once I did a workshop with a number of women. I asked them to introduce themselves and tell the group a big dream they have. Some couldn’t think of one, others only thought of things like, “for my children to be happy.” This is not a bad dream. My question is what about YOU! What do YOU want more than anything completely selfishly for yourself?

3. Lack of presence. Do you run around so much that your feet barely touch the ground? When you’re driving are you on the phone, doing your hair and rummaging in your purse? You may have seen the kleenex commercial where the woman is walking around going through her day as a voice over says “touch door knob, touch toothbrush, touch, touch, touch.” She reaches for a tissue and stops, smiles, takes the box and the voice says “feel.” That is being present, taking the time to notice and be aware in each moment.

How do you fight the Martyr Complex? With Authentic Sensuality. Sensuality is your senses, how you interact with the world. Authenticity is using your Sensuality in the world in a way that is true to who you are. Authentic Sensuality is simply expressing your true self in every situation.

When I was younger,I was constantly adjusting myself to what I thought was acceptable in each situation. I tried to be strong because that’s how my mom described me which led to me hiding my emotions. I tried to be the good little church girl and hid my wild side. I tried to be a good student and not get in trouble. I became introverted because I was less likely to make a faux pas if I just kept my mouth shut! I had few friends. I was invisible.

Now I know who I am, what is important to me. I’m true to myself no matter what. I have many friends. I receive amazing opportunities. No one would call me invisible! I’m clear on what I want from life. I have more time and energy for others because I look after myself.

Authentic Sensuality makes life easy. Getting there takes time and effort.

How to rediscover your Authentic Sensuality:

1. Write down 20 selfish goals. Things just for you! Go back to your youth to remember the things that made you excited. Pick one you can do right away and do it. Choose another long term one to work toward over the next few weeks or months

2. Spend a day without a cell phone, iPod or other device. Take a walk, go out for dinner – really enjoy every moment without distraction.

3. Do something for you. Go shopping with friends and try on something expensive or outrageous. Read a book. Go for a pedicure. Take me time.

4. Dance! Nothing gets you in touch with yourself faster than dancing. Do it alone tor go out with friends. Take a class. Move your beautiful body!

5. Accept a compliment. We get compliments all the time and toss them off. Accept the gift. Look the giver in the eye and say thank you. Notice how you walk taller and smile.

6. Look in the mirror. Ignore your negative judgements. Notice how beautiful your eyes are, your fabulous smile, your beautiful curves. Appreciate your body for all it does and thank it.

The key to Authentic Sensuality is remembering that you are beautiful – inside and out – just as you are. Have you ever met someone to whom you were immediately drawn? That’s because they were Authentic. No matter what you look like, when you are Authentic, you are incredible!

My challenge for you is to see your beauty. Express your Authenticity. Enjoy your Sensuality. Live your true self, remember your dreams, love yourself first! When you are in this space, it’s so much easier to deal with life’s craziness. You will be happier and so will those you touch. Give yourself, and those around you, the gift of you.

Remember this mantra – BE BEAUTIFUL, BE YOU!

To understand more about YOUR true Sensuality and how to express it, contact The Bad Kitty about Sensuality Coaching!

It’s hard for we women to gain some perspective on what we really look like.  We usually see something that isn’t really there when we look in the mirror.

Here’s a little activity for you to do.

You deserve this.

Go to the mirror. Full length preferred. Naked is best. Set a timer for 5 minutes. Spend the 5 minutes alone with yourself in the mirror. Do nothing else. No make up application. No brushing your teeth. If the phone rings and you answer it, start over. Do 5 UNINTERRUPTED minutes.

Look at yourself.  Look from head to toe.  Make observations.  See what’s REALLY there.  Notice and be thankful for your body and all the hard work it does for you.  Think about the successes you’ve had and the struggles you’ve overcome.  Celebrate the beauty you see in the mirror.  Recognize how undeniably gorgeous you are just as you are.

At the end of the 5 minutes, look yourself in the eye and say, “You are incredible. You deserve everything you want. You deserve to be cared for. You deserve the very best. You are beautiful. I love you!”

Do you think this is hard?  Not sure you can see yourself as you are without layering on all kinds of judgements?  How about coming out to THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE KITTY one day Seminar on Sunday November 15?

Do you want to: connect with other women,connect with yourself on a deeper level, know your own power, own your beauty and your body, learn sensual dance, including pole dancing – for youself and – WOW – spend a full day just on you

This one day workshop will give you all this and more.  You will have the time of your life with a group of like minded women while learning to dance and access your Senuality.   Imagine living your dreams, loving your body and knowing how incredible you truly are.  You will leave walking taller, swinging your hips, ready to take on the world!

Click here for more details.

Go into the world my kitties. Go and spread the word about how wonderful every woman you meet is. Tell others about their beauty because chances are they don’t see it. Share your joy, your passion, yourself with everyone. Be brave.

I simply can’t say it enough – BE BEAUTIFUL, BE YOU! You are all my heroes.

www.thebadkitty.com

How many times have you woken up and said, “Wow, weird dream.” How many times have you been talking to someone who shifted the topic by saying, “I had such a weird dream last night.” Every time I say or hear these comments I think, “when is a dream NOT weird.”

Dreams are inherently cryptic. The unconscious is playing around in your brain. It has no logic or coherent timeline. People are identified as someone you know but look nothing like them. You’re able to do things you would never be capable of due to gravity and other natural constraints. Time shifts at will. People morph into animals or pulsing blobs. We try to make sense of them in our logical waking brains, but for the most part it’s pretty much a frustrating folly.

Ironically, all this said, I had a dream that kind of made sense the other night. I am a theatre and movie lover. I’m not big on award shows but I always watch the Oscars. In this dream, I was a presenter at the Oscars. It was a little different than most in that one person said the names of the nominees and then five people came up to talk more about each of those nominees. I was to talk about Helen Mirren. As we all went up, I realized that everyone else had an envelope in their hand, except me. I started to panic and went to a table at the side of the stage to find out where my envelope was. This ruined the flow of the whole show. So someone else took the reins and simply skipped the step we 5 were to do and announced the winner – Helen Mirren. I was mortified. Not only did I screw up the show, I also didn’t get to talk about one of my heroes who ended up with a statuette. I couldn’t even possibly talk to her now after what I had done.

I awoke from the dream and was quite agitated. I went into that space so many of us go to so often – beating myself up for a stupid mistake. I went around and around with it for a few laps in my head before I, in a more awake state, realized, “wait a second, it’s bad enough to do that when you’re conscious, this was a DREAM!”

It struck me how easy it is for us to get into the beat myself up mode. It’s such a useless place to dwell. It does us no good whatsoever.

For one, what’s done is done. Replaying it over and over like a bad piece of music isn’t going to help or change anything. All it will do is make you crazy and self conscious. You’ll become less likely to take chances or to speak up. You’ll start to beat yourself down until you become a shell of yourself.

Also, why dwell on the negative? Think about it – when you do something that doesn’t turn out very well, do you think about the dozen things you did well before or after that one event? No. Human nature is to keep that one moment in the brain in full technicolor on repeat.

Why not pick something you did exceptionally well and put that on the repeato panel? Think about the results: rather than beating yourself down, you’d be building yourself up. You might discover that you’re more willing to take chances and speak your mind. Your sense of self will remain in tact and grow stronger. You will go boldly through your life with confidence knowing that we all make missteps and it’s not such a big deal.

So, my lovely kitties, remember to focus on the positive, even in your subconscious moments. Be Beautiful, Be YOU and celebrate your great moments.

Love ya!

www.thebadkitty.com

As an “expert” I sometimes feel like I have things pretty together. Still, once in awhile I run into a situation that reminds me where I came from and that the old patterns can raise their ugly heads.

I was at a tradeshow on the weekend. The table beside me was for a furnace company. You would expect the people working it would most likely be men. At the start of the day, an older, very friendly and lovely woman was manning it. An hour later, her partner joined her. A tall, willowy, puffy lipped, tightly clothed younger woman. This is the kind of woman that would make most other women feel insecure.

All of a sudden I felt my own sense of self have a hiccup. I was no longer the tallest, one of the things that are noticed about me. I wasn’t the best dressed. I could easily be overlooked with the could be model next to me. It took a little time for me to swallow my pride and hold my virtual breath to calm the self hiccup. When I finally talked to my perceived nemesis, she, of course, turned out to be lovely, friendly and down to earth.

I was reminded that we all have our moments of feeling less than confident and to be more patient with people when they are in that space. Usually all it takes is a move away from that space with something simple like I did with talking to Erica, but sometimes it takes a fair bit of fortitude to take that step.

There will always be things that come about to test us. To test our growth. To test our integrity. To test our commitment. The question is, what will you do about it?

I’ve been struggling lately with some personal depression which has made it hard to get things completed. However, I continue to move forward, no matter how tiny the steps. The key is to acknowledge those steps and celebrate them.

Remind yourself that you are growing. Take the time to look back and see how far you’ve come. Let the hiccups happen, swallow them down and keep going. You – and I – are doing great!

Keep saying your mantra – BE BEAUTIFUL, BE YOU!

Let’s dance together in celebration of our progress!

www.thebigkitty.com