Archive for the ‘expectaions’ Category

I had tea with a male friend recently.  He asked me an interesting question.  “When women are single it’s like they are in bloom.  Their energy is different.  They are full of life and excited about possibilities, doing what they want and pursuing their passions.  Then they get into a relationship, even with a decent guy, and it’s like everything changes and their bloom gets crushed. Why is that?”

Is this YOU?

My answer began with a question.  We hadn’t seen each other much for quite sometime so I asked, “has my energy changed?”  His reply was “No.”  I asked because I am in a relationship and I didn’t want to answer all expert-like if my energy had become crushed.

So, here is my theory.  Women are raised to believe that the right relationship will complete her.  Whether we are hetero, lesbian or bi we are often under the impression that the right person will make all our ills go away, make us complete and create the “happily ever after.”  Even though we see evidence to the contrary all around us, it’s still somehow in our DNA.  Just look at how many girls are completely enamored with princesses.  It’s not just the fancy dresses and shoes, it’s the promise of prince charming that makes the story compelling.

Most women are in love with love and the wedding is the ultimate expression of that love, the possibility of happily ever after.  However, reality shows the opposite.  Single women are happier than married and married men are happier than single.  So why is it that men desire singledom and women desire marriage?  Mostly it’s conditioning.

Watch any show about weddings and you’ll see the woman is the one with the huge smile on her face.  She’s planning the party, getting the most beautiful expensive dress she can manage (or not in most cases!), she’s completely into the big party where she’s about to be at the center.  The Sex and the City movie was a perfect example.  Carrie and Big wanted a small intimate wedding but then she found this incredible dress and the whole thing took on a life of it’s own to keep up with the dress.  Weddings are an entity all on their own and we forget that there’s a sometimes difficult life to be lived after the party.

Another part of the problem is that women are really good at the “just enough”.  He’s (or she’s) got some issues, but he’s pretty good and he loves me and he wants to marry me (YAY!!) so either we’ll change the things that make me crazy or they’re really not as bad as I think they are.  Sorry, they aren’t going to go away and once you’ve been with him for a few years, they’ll actually be worse!

Some say women should settle.  No wonder we’re so unhappy and crushed.  Women are the ones who are always trying to fix things, to make them better.  If we’re fighting against another person’s real self, we’re bound to fail!  I don’t want anyone to “fix” me, why would someone else want me to fix them?  Of course there will be problems and hurt feelings and disappointment.

As my friend said, even if they guy is decent, the woman can become crushed underfoot.  He may not mean to.  Sometimes it’s our own expectations that crush us.

The question then becomes, how do we be in relationship and not get crushed?

Or is this YOU?

It’s all about us and our expectations.  First, we have to be full and complete on our own without waiting for someone or something else to complete us.  The myth is that when you find the right person they will fill the holes in ourselves – the whole “other half” fable.  Truth is, if you aren’t happy and complete alone, you can never be happy with someone else.  you need to be willing to pursue what’s important to you in your life and to CONTINUE doing it no matter what your relationship status is.  The right person will love that you have your own thing going on and won’t try to stop you from pursuing your dreams.

The other piece is knowing what you want in a relationship.  Rather than settling for someone “good enough” you have to know what things are most critical for you in a partner.  Make a list of 50 things.  Narrow it down to 30 then narrow it down to 10.  Those 10 are the things you will not compromise on.  Everything else is gravy.  This isn’t settling, this is knowing what your priorities are.

For example, my “perfect” man would be over 6′2 and 38+.  However, my man is 5′10 (I’m 6′) and 34 (I’m 45).  If I had been inflexible on something as insignificant as height and age, I would have missed out on this wonderful man who has much more important qualities like being supportive, kind, a generous soul who is adventurous, loves to have fun and is living his dreams.

This is why my flower is not crushed.  Over time, I’ve figured out what’s important to me in my life and I’m unwilling to settle for anything less.  I am confident in myself and don’t need a man to make me feel good or loved.  (Don’t kid yourself ladies, there are men out there looking for “love” for the same wrong reasons.)

Keep your flower nourished, ladies, you deserve to have only the best in your life whether you’re single or in a relationship.  If you’re in a relationship and have already become crushed, start living for what is important to you and fertilize yourself back to full bloom.  You are the beauty of the world, show it off!

Love, Christie

Be Beautiful, Be YOU!

www.thebadkitty.com

It was my birthday on the weekend. Thank you, thank you for all your well wishes.

I have a challenge around my birthday. Like those children born right around Christmas who often have no birthday celebration, mine is the day before Valentine’s so I often get one or the other or a combination.

When I was a kid I had hearts and cupids decorations for my birthday. My mom really wanted a Valentine’s baby and just missed, so she made up for it with red decor. When I started dating, I often missed out on having both days honored. Being the day before the “big” one, it was easier to take me out for my birthday as most people would be going out the next day. One gift would do. Flowers were rarely given because they’re so ridiculously expensive.

I met a young woman recently who had the same birthday. I asked her if she had heart decorations for her parties. No, she said, her mom was always very adamant that she understand – and that the men in her life understand – that the two days are totally separate and should be treated as such. Good on ya, mom.

It wasn’t until my 40’s that I found a man who got it. I not only got a birthday and Valentine’s dinner, but I received a beautiful bouquet and handmade chocolates on Valentine’s in addition to the earrings for my birthday! Thank you so much, even though we’re not together anymore, that year was very special.

It’s so easy to take things that have been as the way they are. And, remarkably, when you change your expectations, you find those that will rise to the occasion. It’s called the Law of Attraction or, more recently, The Secret. It’s all about attracting what you want through your thoughts and energy.

I got what I wanted this year. I had a great birthday and a great Valentine’s Day despite being single. The latter didn’t include a romantic dinner and expensive chocolate, and it was great fun.

The same is happening in all areas of my life. The clearer I get on what I want, the faster it comes. I’m amazed almost every day at the things that are coming up. It’s an exciting journey. I hope you’ll continue to let me share it with you.

www.thebadkitty.com