Archive for the ‘personal growth’ Category

Dance is a powerful force.  If there was any doubt about it, the documentary I saw the other day, War Dance, puts it to rest.   The story is based in Northern Uganda, which is a war zone.  It follows 3 children (13,13 and 14) who are about to go to Kampala (the capital) for a dance competition.

Been there, seen it.  No, wait, you haven’t.  These kids have been, literally, through hell and are still living it.  From being orphaned, to mom being forced to bury dad’s hacked up body in the fields with her own hands and forced to hide in the bush for weeks in fear waiting for mom to return, to being abducted by the rebels and forced to kill – these kids are not ordinary or suffering through “normal” childhood trauma.  On top of it all they are now living in a refugee camp with very little resources in conditions we westerners can only imagine (and shudder at the imagining).

Thankfully, they do have schooling which includes music (Western school trustees, take note!) and the school, for the first time, has been chosen to go to a music competition featuring schools from across the country.

What makes this story incredible is how these children, despite their situation, are positive about the future and find dance to be a release from the pain and sadness they experience every day.

The face says it all!

At the opening of the movie, Rose says (and Dominic echoes it later), “Even though we are from the war zone, we can do good things.”  Over and over all three children talk about how dance makes all the bad things melt away and I have no doubt it serves a large role in keeping them positive and forward thinking.

So, my lovelies, what pain and troubles are you going through?  As big as our stuff feels, I’m pretty sure that for the most part it doesn’t hold a candle to what these children, and the 60,000 other people who live in this one camp (not to mention the 2 million others in camps around the country) go through daily.

Take a page from War Dance and remember the power of music and dance.  When things are at their worst, find a way to dance.  Go out with friends or dance in your room.  Move your body and you will shift your mind!  There’s nothing better than dance to take you out of your head – where we spend way too much time.

Play, enjoy and see what changes happen to your mood, your motivation and your life!

You deserve the very best, so dance your way along the road.

Hugs, Christie

Be Beautiful, Be YOU!

www.thebadkitty.com

I had tea with a male friend recently.  He asked me an interesting question.  “When women are single it’s like they are in bloom.  Their energy is different.  They are full of life and excited about possibilities, doing what they want and pursuing their passions.  Then they get into a relationship, even with a decent guy, and it’s like everything changes and their bloom gets crushed. Why is that?”

Is this YOU?

My answer began with a question.  We hadn’t seen each other much for quite sometime so I asked, “has my energy changed?”  His reply was “No.”  I asked because I am in a relationship and I didn’t want to answer all expert-like if my energy had become crushed.

So, here is my theory.  Women are raised to believe that the right relationship will complete her.  Whether we are hetero, lesbian or bi we are often under the impression that the right person will make all our ills go away, make us complete and create the “happily ever after.”  Even though we see evidence to the contrary all around us, it’s still somehow in our DNA.  Just look at how many girls are completely enamored with princesses.  It’s not just the fancy dresses and shoes, it’s the promise of prince charming that makes the story compelling.

Most women are in love with love and the wedding is the ultimate expression of that love, the possibility of happily ever after.  However, reality shows the opposite.  Single women are happier than married and married men are happier than single.  So why is it that men desire singledom and women desire marriage?  Mostly it’s conditioning.

Watch any show about weddings and you’ll see the woman is the one with the huge smile on her face.  She’s planning the party, getting the most beautiful expensive dress she can manage (or not in most cases!), she’s completely into the big party where she’s about to be at the center.  The Sex and the City movie was a perfect example.  Carrie and Big wanted a small intimate wedding but then she found this incredible dress and the whole thing took on a life of it’s own to keep up with the dress.  Weddings are an entity all on their own and we forget that there’s a sometimes difficult life to be lived after the party.

Another part of the problem is that women are really good at the “just enough”.  He’s (or she’s) got some issues, but he’s pretty good and he loves me and he wants to marry me (YAY!!) so either we’ll change the things that make me crazy or they’re really not as bad as I think they are.  Sorry, they aren’t going to go away and once you’ve been with him for a few years, they’ll actually be worse!

Some say women should settle.  No wonder we’re so unhappy and crushed.  Women are the ones who are always trying to fix things, to make them better.  If we’re fighting against another person’s real self, we’re bound to fail!  I don’t want anyone to “fix” me, why would someone else want me to fix them?  Of course there will be problems and hurt feelings and disappointment.

As my friend said, even if they guy is decent, the woman can become crushed underfoot.  He may not mean to.  Sometimes it’s our own expectations that crush us.

The question then becomes, how do we be in relationship and not get crushed?

Or is this YOU?

It’s all about us and our expectations.  First, we have to be full and complete on our own without waiting for someone or something else to complete us.  The myth is that when you find the right person they will fill the holes in ourselves – the whole “other half” fable.  Truth is, if you aren’t happy and complete alone, you can never be happy with someone else.  you need to be willing to pursue what’s important to you in your life and to CONTINUE doing it no matter what your relationship status is.  The right person will love that you have your own thing going on and won’t try to stop you from pursuing your dreams.

The other piece is knowing what you want in a relationship.  Rather than settling for someone “good enough” you have to know what things are most critical for you in a partner.  Make a list of 50 things.  Narrow it down to 30 then narrow it down to 10.  Those 10 are the things you will not compromise on.  Everything else is gravy.  This isn’t settling, this is knowing what your priorities are.

For example, my “perfect” man would be over 6′2 and 38+.  However, my man is 5′10 (I’m 6′) and 34 (I’m 45).  If I had been inflexible on something as insignificant as height and age, I would have missed out on this wonderful man who has much more important qualities like being supportive, kind, a generous soul who is adventurous, loves to have fun and is living his dreams.

This is why my flower is not crushed.  Over time, I’ve figured out what’s important to me in my life and I’m unwilling to settle for anything less.  I am confident in myself and don’t need a man to make me feel good or loved.  (Don’t kid yourself ladies, there are men out there looking for “love” for the same wrong reasons.)

Keep your flower nourished, ladies, you deserve to have only the best in your life whether you’re single or in a relationship.  If you’re in a relationship and have already become crushed, start living for what is important to you and fertilize yourself back to full bloom.  You are the beauty of the world, show it off!

Love, Christie

Be Beautiful, Be YOU!

www.thebadkitty.com

Some things make me really sad.  One of those things is when people are short sighted, closed minded and cruel.  I have a friend that has been going through a great struggle due to such people.  I’d rather not go into detail to protect those involved.  Especially the child who is being pulled apart due to the greed and prejudice of adults.

Jimi Hendrix once said, “when the power of Love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace.”

As we come closer to the season of Peace and Goodwill to all men, it’s even sadder that over the centuries we are still so wrapped up in having to be right, in proving our point, in making others suffer so we can feel bigger that peace still seems so incredibly far off.

Wars among countries, within countries, within families and communities.  It makes my heart bleed.  Why, oh why can’t we just understand that at the very core we are all the same no matter our sex, religion, education, color, sexual orientation or anything else.

We all hurt.  We all struggle.  We all have moments of joy and sorrow.  We all want the best for our children.  We all want a good, happy life.

If we could only take the time to really listen, to really share, to be clear and honest in all things, imagine how differently – and truly – we would see each other.   What we would see is that those people we previously hated or thought were somehow less than us are actually just like us and that they are worthy of our love and understanding.

Make an effort to open your hearts in this season and all through the year and see what beauty surrounds you in the hearts of those you come into contact with.  Please, do it for the kids.  Let’s break this cycle of hate and discrimination and learn that we are all one big, disfunctional family that needs each other before it’s too late.

Be Beautiful, Be YOU- and let everyone else do the same.

Love, Christie

www.thebadkitty.com

Been here?

I’ve had a rough couple of days.  I discovered that the cashflow issues I’ve been having for the last few weeks won’t be ending anytime soon without some major effort.  I’ve been feeling sad.  Today especially.  I just broke into tears without provocation.  And, no, it’s not that time of the month.  I’ve been feeling snowed under even though the big winter storm isn’t set to start until very early this morning.  I haven’t been motivated, social or clear.  All I want to do is curl up in a ball and wallow.

Odd, since the week had a wonderful start.  I had a most amazing evening with my man.  A very productive Monday.  A pretty productive Tuesday.  Then Wednesday it was like everything decided to go “nah nah nah nahnah” at me.

I get like this sometimes.  Thankfully rarely, but a few times a year I’ll feel like everything is dumping on me at once and I need some time to let it wash over me before I look for solutions and move forward.  Am I alone?  Don’t you sometimes just want sympathy without solutions?

The key, however, is not to stay there otherwise it becomes victim mode and that’s not fun for anyone, especially those that have to live with you!

So tonight I’m still not quite back but I am grateful.  I’m grateful to my friends who brainstormed with me yesterday at lunch as to how to make some cash before Christmas.  They even offered to help promote my eBooks to their own databases.  I love my friends!  My man came over today – much later than expected – but he always brightens my day even if it is a short visit.  He too was very supportive and even offered to lend me money.  Very generous and I think I’ll stay away from that solution for personal reasons.  He was so sweet about everything that even if our time was short, my mood was lightened.

Then tonight I saw two things that made me sit back and say – no matter what, I have so much to be thankful for!  The boy in the grocery store parking lot asking for change as the temperature plummets in prepartation for tomorrow’s storm.  Even feeling squeezed myself, I gave him something.  He may be a scammer, but I prefer to believe that he was truly in need.  I’d rather give and be taken once in awhile than ignore someone who really needs it.

I also saw the aftermath of an accident on the way home.  The car’s front end was completely toast.  Thank you for my car, for my health, for my body intact – even with the neckaches I’ve been having lately.

Thank you for my warm house.  My cats to keep me company.  My wonderful family, friends and boyfriend.  Food in the fridge.  A computer to record my thoughts.  Upcoming work.  Sales made this week.

All things considered, I love my life.

Take stock and I hope you come to the same conclusion!

Be Beautiful, Be YOU and remember in all things, there is always good around the corner.

Love you, Christie

www.thebadkitty.com

This is a reprint of an article I wrote that appears in Womanition magazine.  Enjoy!

Ladies, when’s the last time you thought of yourself before your kids, your husband, your work? When someone asks you about yourself, do you define yourself by your family and work? Have you forgetten your dreams? Do you rush through your day barely registering each moment?

Before you start justifying or beating yourself up, let me assure you, you are not alone! You, like most modern women, are suffering from the Martyr Complex.

Women are caregivers. Men do the fighting, we do the healing. This is how we’re naturally built.  The problem comes when our caregiving nature overtakes everything else.

The martyr is the woman who has forgotten that she is important. The martyr doesn’t recognize that in order to give she has to take care of herself. The martyr is running on empty. The martyr is slowly killing herself on the inside.

Signs of the Martyr Complex:

1.Thinking of everyone else first. How often have you taken care of everyone else all day and barely leave enough time and energy to wash your face before you crawl into bed? How many times have you given up what you really want to do in a day so someone else will be happy?

2. Forgetting your dreams. If someone asked you “what’s your passion or your dream,” would you know how to answer? Once I did a workshop with a number of women. I asked them to introduce themselves and tell the group a big dream they have. Some couldn’t think of one, others only thought of things like, “for my children to be happy.” This is not a bad dream. My question is what about YOU! What do YOU want more than anything completely selfishly for yourself?

3. Lack of presence. Do you run around so much that your feet barely touch the ground? When you’re driving are you on the phone, doing your hair and rummaging in your purse? You may have seen the kleenex commercial where the woman is walking around going through her day as a voice over says “touch door knob, touch toothbrush, touch, touch, touch.” She reaches for a tissue and stops, smiles, takes the box and the voice says “feel.” That is being present, taking the time to notice and be aware in each moment.

How do you fight the Martyr Complex? With Authentic Sensuality. Sensuality is your senses, how you interact with the world. Authenticity is using your Sensuality in the world in a way that is true to who you are. Authentic Sensuality is simply expressing your true self in every situation.

When I was younger,I was constantly adjusting myself to what I thought was acceptable in each situation. I tried to be strong because that’s how my mom described me which led to me hiding my emotions. I tried to be the good little church girl and hid my wild side. I tried to be a good student and not get in trouble. I became introverted because I was less likely to make a faux pas if I just kept my mouth shut! I had few friends. I was invisible.

Now I know who I am, what is important to me. I’m true to myself no matter what. I have many friends. I receive amazing opportunities. No one would call me invisible! I’m clear on what I want from life. I have more time and energy for others because I look after myself.

Authentic Sensuality makes life easy. Getting there takes time and effort.

How to rediscover your Authentic Sensuality:

1. Write down 20 selfish goals. Things just for you! Go back to your youth to remember the things that made you excited. Pick one you can do right away and do it. Choose another long term one to work toward over the next few weeks or months

2. Spend a day without a cell phone, iPod or other device. Take a walk, go out for dinner – really enjoy every moment without distraction.

3. Do something for you. Go shopping with friends and try on something expensive or outrageous. Read a book. Go for a pedicure. Take me time.

4. Dance! Nothing gets you in touch with yourself faster than dancing. Do it alone tor go out with friends. Take a class. Move your beautiful body!

5. Accept a compliment. We get compliments all the time and toss them off. Accept the gift. Look the giver in the eye and say thank you. Notice how you walk taller and smile.

6. Look in the mirror. Ignore your negative judgements. Notice how beautiful your eyes are, your fabulous smile, your beautiful curves. Appreciate your body for all it does and thank it.

The key to Authentic Sensuality is remembering that you are beautiful – inside and out – just as you are. Have you ever met someone to whom you were immediately drawn? That’s because they were Authentic. No matter what you look like, when you are Authentic, you are incredible!

My challenge for you is to see your beauty. Express your Authenticity. Enjoy your Sensuality. Live your true self, remember your dreams, love yourself first! When you are in this space, it’s so much easier to deal with life’s craziness. You will be happier and so will those you touch. Give yourself, and those around you, the gift of you.

Remember this mantra – BE BEAUTIFUL, BE YOU!

To understand more about YOUR true Sensuality and how to express it, contact The Bad Kitty about Sensuality Coaching!

I heard a story recently that was a reminder of how what others do to us can harm us and how important it is to talk about what happened.  And that from pain comes hope, and more.

This story dates back to WWII.  When it was evident that the Germans were going to lose the war, they began to take out their frustration and fear on the women of the countries they occupied.  The women did everything they could to protect themselves including staying in at night, covering themselves in filth and trying to appear to be old and decrepit rather than young and desirable.

This woman’s story is told to her daughter who was a result of these rapes.  She is very close to her daughter and the love between them is evident.  What she went through was unbelievable to most of us.  The fact that she lived and suffered with it mostly in secret for 60 years, even more heartbreaking.  The fact that from this tragedy she received a beautiful gift in the life of her daughter is a beautiful ray of hope.

You can hear her story on the CBC podcast of The Current under the story Rape of Berlin – Sigrun’s Story .  You will need to scroll down the page partway to get to this story.  It is the second story on the page.

Be prepared with tissues and be willing to see the hope, life and joy that eventually revealed itself as her life continued.  It’s a great reminder of how we all go through our own personal struggles, tragedies and pain and that there is always the chance for something unexpected on the other side.

Love to you all.

www.thebadkitty.com

This morning on Facebook a friend posted an article about a German magazine, Brigitte, banning models for “real” women.  Notices like that always seems to get women’s panties in a knot.  Yes, Yes, we think!  It’s about time!  Ban the skinny bitch.  Bring back the curves!

Up until today, I whole heartedly agreed.  As a 6′ size 12 woman, I always took exception to being called “plus” size by the fashion industry.  Ok, Ok, reality check!  At 6′, size 12 is average.  At 5′2″, it’s another story.  At 6′ size 2 is scarey.  At 5′2, it’s average.  It’s all relative.

There’s nothing wrong with being average.  There’s nothing wrong with being skinny – unless you’re hurting yourself to get there.  There’s nothing wrong with having a little extra baggage – again unless you’re hurting yourself.  If you’re eating or not eating because of feeling badly about yourself, there’s a whole other problem to be dealt with.

I’m sure many of you are still going, “hey, what do you mean up until today you whole heartedly agreed!  The fashion industry is making us all feel fat with all the super skinnies they put their clothes on, how can you not be outraged!”

Yes, I’m outraged.  I’m outraged that we are given a false sense of beauty.  That we are handed a bill of goods that 0% body fat is a good thing.  What I’ve changed my mind about is that ALL women need to be represented.  The skinnies – again, as long as it’s natural and not drug or vomit induced (there are girls out there like that, y’know!), the average and the large.

The backlash against skinny girls has created reverse discrimination.  We tend to hate the skinny girls.  How did they get so lucky?  Another reality check – we all have challenges.  We all have insecurities. We all have fears.  We all long for love.  We all have things that make us giggle.  We all have things that make us cry.  We are all freaking human!!!

And we are all freaking amazing!  We need to stop looking at the outside.  We need to see each other as beautiful individuals rather than body shapes.  Others won’t see us as beautiful until we see ourselves and each other as such.  Love the skinnies.  Embrace the biggies.  Squeeze the averages in between.  Take care of yourself and love yourself and no matter what size you are, you are worthy, lovely and deserving of your own magazine cover!

Be Beautiful, Be You!

Love ya, Christie

www.thebadkitty.com

It’s hard for we women to gain some perspective on what we really look like.  We usually see something that isn’t really there when we look in the mirror.

Here’s a little activity for you to do.

You deserve this.

Go to the mirror. Full length preferred. Naked is best. Set a timer for 5 minutes. Spend the 5 minutes alone with yourself in the mirror. Do nothing else. No make up application. No brushing your teeth. If the phone rings and you answer it, start over. Do 5 UNINTERRUPTED minutes.

Look at yourself.  Look from head to toe.  Make observations.  See what’s REALLY there.  Notice and be thankful for your body and all the hard work it does for you.  Think about the successes you’ve had and the struggles you’ve overcome.  Celebrate the beauty you see in the mirror.  Recognize how undeniably gorgeous you are just as you are.

At the end of the 5 minutes, look yourself in the eye and say, “You are incredible. You deserve everything you want. You deserve to be cared for. You deserve the very best. You are beautiful. I love you!”

Do you think this is hard?  Not sure you can see yourself as you are without layering on all kinds of judgements?  How about coming out to THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE KITTY one day Seminar on Sunday November 15?

Do you want to: connect with other women,connect with yourself on a deeper level, know your own power, own your beauty and your body, learn sensual dance, including pole dancing – for youself and – WOW – spend a full day just on you

This one day workshop will give you all this and more.  You will have the time of your life with a group of like minded women while learning to dance and access your Senuality.   Imagine living your dreams, loving your body and knowing how incredible you truly are.  You will leave walking taller, swinging your hips, ready to take on the world!

Click here for more details.

Go into the world my kitties. Go and spread the word about how wonderful every woman you meet is. Tell others about their beauty because chances are they don’t see it. Share your joy, your passion, yourself with everyone. Be brave.

I simply can’t say it enough – BE BEAUTIFUL, BE YOU! You are all my heroes.

www.thebadkitty.com

As an “expert” I sometimes feel like I have things pretty together. Still, once in awhile I run into a situation that reminds me where I came from and that the old patterns can raise their ugly heads.

I was at a tradeshow on the weekend. The table beside me was for a furnace company. You would expect the people working it would most likely be men. At the start of the day, an older, very friendly and lovely woman was manning it. An hour later, her partner joined her. A tall, willowy, puffy lipped, tightly clothed younger woman. This is the kind of woman that would make most other women feel insecure.

All of a sudden I felt my own sense of self have a hiccup. I was no longer the tallest, one of the things that are noticed about me. I wasn’t the best dressed. I could easily be overlooked with the could be model next to me. It took a little time for me to swallow my pride and hold my virtual breath to calm the self hiccup. When I finally talked to my perceived nemesis, she, of course, turned out to be lovely, friendly and down to earth.

I was reminded that we all have our moments of feeling less than confident and to be more patient with people when they are in that space. Usually all it takes is a move away from that space with something simple like I did with talking to Erica, but sometimes it takes a fair bit of fortitude to take that step.

There will always be things that come about to test us. To test our growth. To test our integrity. To test our commitment. The question is, what will you do about it?

I’ve been struggling lately with some personal depression which has made it hard to get things completed. However, I continue to move forward, no matter how tiny the steps. The key is to acknowledge those steps and celebrate them.

Remind yourself that you are growing. Take the time to look back and see how far you’ve come. Let the hiccups happen, swallow them down and keep going. You – and I – are doing great!

Keep saying your mantra – BE BEAUTIFUL, BE YOU!

Let’s dance together in celebration of our progress!

www.thebigkitty.com