Archive for the ‘authenticity’ Category

I decided a long time ago not to have children. A lot of factors have played into this: time and finances being the most obvious. I didn’t even get a driver’s license until I was 28 because I didn’t have money for a car, how could I possibly afford a kid? Then life started to happen and I didn’t want to get tied down. Kids take a lot of time and energy and I already didn’t seem to have enough of either.

I never really liked babies. Every one else seems to gush over newborns. I’m not all that interested in a child until they start to communicate. That’s probably why my biological clock didn’t start to bong loudly as I got older. I didn’t feel the baby pull.

My mom has said to me many times, “how is it that my daughter who is so good with children never had any of her own?” Being good with kids was never a concern. They LOVE me and I love them. Little babies love me even though I’m indifferent. There is something about my energy that makes them relax and very often if they’re fussy I can put them to sleep when no one else can. I love to play with children and let them guide the play. I don’t try to grown up-ize anything. That’s probably why they like me so much.

Every once in awhile I hear a story that makes me almost wish I had children. One is the Small Person Acquisition Project.  This CBC documentary follows two men (one a trans woman) who decide to have a child.  J (the trans) carries the child and, despite plans for a vaginal delivery, delivers via c-section due to complications.

Listening to this documentary I couldn’t help but feel touched.  The birth of a new life whether bird or human is a miracle and even in my non-fawning-over-infants-ness I am still moved by it.  What puts this above other birth stories are the struggles Jay and Bear had to endure and overcome.  From the midwife company who wouldn’t even talk to them at first to getting permission to cross out mother and replace it with father on the birth certificate, their experience was unique and fraught.

It’s stories like this which inspire me.  Not to have my own kids (although, who knows, I may someday adopt) as much as to have faith in humanity and our ability to change, grow and love.

One of the main reasons I haven’t had my own children is that I’m afraid.  I’m afraid of doing something that will damage their beautiful soul.  I’m afraid of saying something that will make them pretend to be someone they’re not for fear of criticism.  I’m afraid of watching them change from the open, honest, real person they are born as to the closed, fearful person most of us become as we grow.  Thankfully many of us get back to our original state, but the interim can be long and confusing.

J and Bear show that there are beautiful, open hearted and loving souls all over who believe in the power of the individual and their right to be just that.  That gives me faith in our future more than the birth of a new generation.  My prayer is that every generation becomes more accepting, loving and real.  This is what will save us all in the end.  Science and progress can only do so much.  It’s the beautiful souls loving each other that make life worth living.

What will you do to show your beauty and love to the world?

Hugs,

Christie

Be Beautiful, Be YOU!

www.thebadkitty.com

I had tea with a male friend recently.  He asked me an interesting question.  “When women are single it’s like they are in bloom.  Their energy is different.  They are full of life and excited about possibilities, doing what they want and pursuing their passions.  Then they get into a relationship, even with a decent guy, and it’s like everything changes and their bloom gets crushed. Why is that?”

Is this YOU?

My answer began with a question.  We hadn’t seen each other much for quite sometime so I asked, “has my energy changed?”  His reply was “No.”  I asked because I am in a relationship and I didn’t want to answer all expert-like if my energy had become crushed.

So, here is my theory.  Women are raised to believe that the right relationship will complete her.  Whether we are hetero, lesbian or bi we are often under the impression that the right person will make all our ills go away, make us complete and create the “happily ever after.”  Even though we see evidence to the contrary all around us, it’s still somehow in our DNA.  Just look at how many girls are completely enamored with princesses.  It’s not just the fancy dresses and shoes, it’s the promise of prince charming that makes the story compelling.

Most women are in love with love and the wedding is the ultimate expression of that love, the possibility of happily ever after.  However, reality shows the opposite.  Single women are happier than married and married men are happier than single.  So why is it that men desire singledom and women desire marriage?  Mostly it’s conditioning.

Watch any show about weddings and you’ll see the woman is the one with the huge smile on her face.  She’s planning the party, getting the most beautiful expensive dress she can manage (or not in most cases!), she’s completely into the big party where she’s about to be at the center.  The Sex and the City movie was a perfect example.  Carrie and Big wanted a small intimate wedding but then she found this incredible dress and the whole thing took on a life of it’s own to keep up with the dress.  Weddings are an entity all on their own and we forget that there’s a sometimes difficult life to be lived after the party.

Another part of the problem is that women are really good at the “just enough”.  He’s (or she’s) got some issues, but he’s pretty good and he loves me and he wants to marry me (YAY!!) so either we’ll change the things that make me crazy or they’re really not as bad as I think they are.  Sorry, they aren’t going to go away and once you’ve been with him for a few years, they’ll actually be worse!

Some say women should settle.  No wonder we’re so unhappy and crushed.  Women are the ones who are always trying to fix things, to make them better.  If we’re fighting against another person’s real self, we’re bound to fail!  I don’t want anyone to “fix” me, why would someone else want me to fix them?  Of course there will be problems and hurt feelings and disappointment.

As my friend said, even if they guy is decent, the woman can become crushed underfoot.  He may not mean to.  Sometimes it’s our own expectations that crush us.

The question then becomes, how do we be in relationship and not get crushed?

Or is this YOU?

It’s all about us and our expectations.  First, we have to be full and complete on our own without waiting for someone or something else to complete us.  The myth is that when you find the right person they will fill the holes in ourselves – the whole “other half” fable.  Truth is, if you aren’t happy and complete alone, you can never be happy with someone else.  you need to be willing to pursue what’s important to you in your life and to CONTINUE doing it no matter what your relationship status is.  The right person will love that you have your own thing going on and won’t try to stop you from pursuing your dreams.

The other piece is knowing what you want in a relationship.  Rather than settling for someone “good enough” you have to know what things are most critical for you in a partner.  Make a list of 50 things.  Narrow it down to 30 then narrow it down to 10.  Those 10 are the things you will not compromise on.  Everything else is gravy.  This isn’t settling, this is knowing what your priorities are.

For example, my “perfect” man would be over 6′2 and 38+.  However, my man is 5′10 (I’m 6′) and 34 (I’m 45).  If I had been inflexible on something as insignificant as height and age, I would have missed out on this wonderful man who has much more important qualities like being supportive, kind, a generous soul who is adventurous, loves to have fun and is living his dreams.

This is why my flower is not crushed.  Over time, I’ve figured out what’s important to me in my life and I’m unwilling to settle for anything less.  I am confident in myself and don’t need a man to make me feel good or loved.  (Don’t kid yourself ladies, there are men out there looking for “love” for the same wrong reasons.)

Keep your flower nourished, ladies, you deserve to have only the best in your life whether you’re single or in a relationship.  If you’re in a relationship and have already become crushed, start living for what is important to you and fertilize yourself back to full bloom.  You are the beauty of the world, show it off!

Love, Christie

Be Beautiful, Be YOU!

www.thebadkitty.com

I was at a bridal show recently.  While watching the children in the fashion show, I had a thought.  Are some of these kids shy or are they insecure about what they’re doing?

When I was growing up, I was considered shy.  So much so that I was able to hide in any crowd large or small.  When asked a question, I would give a short answer and my sister would elaborate.  I was often thought of as aloof or proud because I was standoffish.

At my core I am an introvert.  I like my own company.  I get drained when I’m around people for a long time and need to be alone to recharge.  That said, I also love being with people under certain circumstances.  I love being in front of a large group and with friends for a good chat.  I’m not a recluse by any stretch.

But are introverted, shy and insecure the same?  Not by a long shot.

Despite being an introvert, I can seem very extroverted in certain situations.  Most performers – actors, public speakers, etc – are introverts.  Get them off the stage and they can become quite uncomfortable.  I can talk like mad when I’m presenting, but put me in a room full of strangers at a party and I will feel quite uncomfortable – or insecure.  When I dance I get plenty of attention.  Unlike those who say “Dance like no one is watching”, I dance like everyone is watching as I get a kick out of any situation where I can “perform”.  But start talking to me off the dance floor and my shyness may start to come up.

So what’s my point?  Whether you are naturally introverted/shy or extroverted/outgoing in a situation means very little.  What counts is how secure you feel.  Extroverts can feel insecure and become shy, introverts can feel secure or confident in the same situation and appear outgoing.  You can also be an extrovert feeling insecure who still is outgoing and an introvert feeling secure and still appear shy.  We are very complex creatures!

At this bridal show, there was one girl who during the first show was walking with her shoulders up around her ears, her hands in front of her face.  She looked scared to death.  Many were whispering, “ahh, look she’s so shy.”  In the second show she was bouncing around, grinning from ear to ear, lifting her feet to show off her shoes.  She had developed confidence from round one and was raring to go for round two.  Is she naturally an introvert or an extrovert who was feeling shy?  Hard to know without talking to her.  Was she insecure early in the day?  Absolutely!  Was she feeling confident in the afternoon?  Clearly.

The only way to know the truth about someone is to actually talk to them and find out what drives them.  It’s easy to make assumptions which, unfortunately, are so often wrong!  If only all of those who thought I was aloof or proud would have actually talked to me when I was younger, they would have learned so much.  There are a number of us out there after all – about 25-35% by most estimates.

For more info on introversion, check out the official site.   There are some pretty cool tidbits including quotes.  The list of famous introverts might surprise you!

Now, whether you are an introvert or extrovert, feeling insecure is never fun.  The cool part is, it may eventually go away with experience.  The little girl in the fashion show is a perfect example.  So why not jump in when something makes you feel uncomfortable.  Just go for it and eventually you won’t even remember that insecure feeling – whether it makes you appear shy or not.

Extrovert or introvert, shy or outgoing, the key is, as always, Be Beautiful, Be YOU!!!!

Hugs, Christie

www.thebadkitty.com

This is a reprint of an article I wrote that appears in Womanition magazine.  Enjoy!

Ladies, when’s the last time you thought of yourself before your kids, your husband, your work? When someone asks you about yourself, do you define yourself by your family and work? Have you forgetten your dreams? Do you rush through your day barely registering each moment?

Before you start justifying or beating yourself up, let me assure you, you are not alone! You, like most modern women, are suffering from the Martyr Complex.

Women are caregivers. Men do the fighting, we do the healing. This is how we’re naturally built.  The problem comes when our caregiving nature overtakes everything else.

The martyr is the woman who has forgotten that she is important. The martyr doesn’t recognize that in order to give she has to take care of herself. The martyr is running on empty. The martyr is slowly killing herself on the inside.

Signs of the Martyr Complex:

1.Thinking of everyone else first. How often have you taken care of everyone else all day and barely leave enough time and energy to wash your face before you crawl into bed? How many times have you given up what you really want to do in a day so someone else will be happy?

2. Forgetting your dreams. If someone asked you “what’s your passion or your dream,” would you know how to answer? Once I did a workshop with a number of women. I asked them to introduce themselves and tell the group a big dream they have. Some couldn’t think of one, others only thought of things like, “for my children to be happy.” This is not a bad dream. My question is what about YOU! What do YOU want more than anything completely selfishly for yourself?

3. Lack of presence. Do you run around so much that your feet barely touch the ground? When you’re driving are you on the phone, doing your hair and rummaging in your purse? You may have seen the kleenex commercial where the woman is walking around going through her day as a voice over says “touch door knob, touch toothbrush, touch, touch, touch.” She reaches for a tissue and stops, smiles, takes the box and the voice says “feel.” That is being present, taking the time to notice and be aware in each moment.

How do you fight the Martyr Complex? With Authentic Sensuality. Sensuality is your senses, how you interact with the world. Authenticity is using your Sensuality in the world in a way that is true to who you are. Authentic Sensuality is simply expressing your true self in every situation.

When I was younger,I was constantly adjusting myself to what I thought was acceptable in each situation. I tried to be strong because that’s how my mom described me which led to me hiding my emotions. I tried to be the good little church girl and hid my wild side. I tried to be a good student and not get in trouble. I became introverted because I was less likely to make a faux pas if I just kept my mouth shut! I had few friends. I was invisible.

Now I know who I am, what is important to me. I’m true to myself no matter what. I have many friends. I receive amazing opportunities. No one would call me invisible! I’m clear on what I want from life. I have more time and energy for others because I look after myself.

Authentic Sensuality makes life easy. Getting there takes time and effort.

How to rediscover your Authentic Sensuality:

1. Write down 20 selfish goals. Things just for you! Go back to your youth to remember the things that made you excited. Pick one you can do right away and do it. Choose another long term one to work toward over the next few weeks or months

2. Spend a day without a cell phone, iPod or other device. Take a walk, go out for dinner – really enjoy every moment without distraction.

3. Do something for you. Go shopping with friends and try on something expensive or outrageous. Read a book. Go for a pedicure. Take me time.

4. Dance! Nothing gets you in touch with yourself faster than dancing. Do it alone tor go out with friends. Take a class. Move your beautiful body!

5. Accept a compliment. We get compliments all the time and toss them off. Accept the gift. Look the giver in the eye and say thank you. Notice how you walk taller and smile.

6. Look in the mirror. Ignore your negative judgements. Notice how beautiful your eyes are, your fabulous smile, your beautiful curves. Appreciate your body for all it does and thank it.

The key to Authentic Sensuality is remembering that you are beautiful – inside and out – just as you are. Have you ever met someone to whom you were immediately drawn? That’s because they were Authentic. No matter what you look like, when you are Authentic, you are incredible!

My challenge for you is to see your beauty. Express your Authenticity. Enjoy your Sensuality. Live your true self, remember your dreams, love yourself first! When you are in this space, it’s so much easier to deal with life’s craziness. You will be happier and so will those you touch. Give yourself, and those around you, the gift of you.

Remember this mantra – BE BEAUTIFUL, BE YOU!

To understand more about YOUR true Sensuality and how to express it, contact The Bad Kitty about Sensuality Coaching!

Just after talking about using “real” models on German magazine covers, this ridiculously photo shopped ad is released.    Is this a backlash against reality or just a really stupid choice by the marketing department?

Either way, it has me concerned.  The reaction has been unsurprisingly strong from the public.  The blog post on boing boing has, to date, received over 50 comments.  On photshop disasters, over 200.  This image is an obvious manipulation.  I don’t care how skinny someone is, when the hips are smaller than the head, there is definitely something up!  Compare that picture to this one. 

I have a sneaking suspision that it may have had some work done on it as well, but it’s not as obvious.  When the “adjustments” are inhuman, it’s easy to be outraged.  No one looks like that, yikes!  How ugly!  However, we’ve been looking at false images of models, celebrities and even regular people for years and have come to think that that’s what they actually look like.  The tabloids love to sell editions of “what they really look like” pictures.  Wow, they look like you and I do when we just get up or have no make up on.  Shocking!

So the question is, how long is it before we accept the ridiculously distorted images as reality?  We eventually become immune to things.  We get tired of analyzing and simply accept it as normal, regular, the way things are.

Be clear that reality is beautiful.  The manufactured is impossible.  Today is the day to stop striving for the impossible and accept the beautiful – reality.  Be in love with you, no matter where you are in your journey.  Only a worldwide wash of love for what is will stop the advancement of what can never be.

Be Beautiful, Be YOU, the world needs you!

Love you,

Christie

www.thebadkitty.com

This morning on Facebook a friend posted an article about a German magazine, Brigitte, banning models for “real” women.  Notices like that always seems to get women’s panties in a knot.  Yes, Yes, we think!  It’s about time!  Ban the skinny bitch.  Bring back the curves!

Up until today, I whole heartedly agreed.  As a 6′ size 12 woman, I always took exception to being called “plus” size by the fashion industry.  Ok, Ok, reality check!  At 6′, size 12 is average.  At 5′2″, it’s another story.  At 6′ size 2 is scarey.  At 5′2, it’s average.  It’s all relative.

There’s nothing wrong with being average.  There’s nothing wrong with being skinny – unless you’re hurting yourself to get there.  There’s nothing wrong with having a little extra baggage – again unless you’re hurting yourself.  If you’re eating or not eating because of feeling badly about yourself, there’s a whole other problem to be dealt with.

I’m sure many of you are still going, “hey, what do you mean up until today you whole heartedly agreed!  The fashion industry is making us all feel fat with all the super skinnies they put their clothes on, how can you not be outraged!”

Yes, I’m outraged.  I’m outraged that we are given a false sense of beauty.  That we are handed a bill of goods that 0% body fat is a good thing.  What I’ve changed my mind about is that ALL women need to be represented.  The skinnies – again, as long as it’s natural and not drug or vomit induced (there are girls out there like that, y’know!), the average and the large.

The backlash against skinny girls has created reverse discrimination.  We tend to hate the skinny girls.  How did they get so lucky?  Another reality check – we all have challenges.  We all have insecurities. We all have fears.  We all long for love.  We all have things that make us giggle.  We all have things that make us cry.  We are all freaking human!!!

And we are all freaking amazing!  We need to stop looking at the outside.  We need to see each other as beautiful individuals rather than body shapes.  Others won’t see us as beautiful until we see ourselves and each other as such.  Love the skinnies.  Embrace the biggies.  Squeeze the averages in between.  Take care of yourself and love yourself and no matter what size you are, you are worthy, lovely and deserving of your own magazine cover!

Be Beautiful, Be You!

Love ya, Christie

www.thebadkitty.com

It’s hard for we women to gain some perspective on what we really look like.  We usually see something that isn’t really there when we look in the mirror.

Here’s a little activity for you to do.

You deserve this.

Go to the mirror. Full length preferred. Naked is best. Set a timer for 5 minutes. Spend the 5 minutes alone with yourself in the mirror. Do nothing else. No make up application. No brushing your teeth. If the phone rings and you answer it, start over. Do 5 UNINTERRUPTED minutes.

Look at yourself.  Look from head to toe.  Make observations.  See what’s REALLY there.  Notice and be thankful for your body and all the hard work it does for you.  Think about the successes you’ve had and the struggles you’ve overcome.  Celebrate the beauty you see in the mirror.  Recognize how undeniably gorgeous you are just as you are.

At the end of the 5 minutes, look yourself in the eye and say, “You are incredible. You deserve everything you want. You deserve to be cared for. You deserve the very best. You are beautiful. I love you!”

Do you think this is hard?  Not sure you can see yourself as you are without layering on all kinds of judgements?  How about coming out to THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE KITTY one day Seminar on Sunday November 15?

Do you want to: connect with other women,connect with yourself on a deeper level, know your own power, own your beauty and your body, learn sensual dance, including pole dancing – for youself and – WOW – spend a full day just on you

This one day workshop will give you all this and more.  You will have the time of your life with a group of like minded women while learning to dance and access your Senuality.   Imagine living your dreams, loving your body and knowing how incredible you truly are.  You will leave walking taller, swinging your hips, ready to take on the world!

Click here for more details.

Go into the world my kitties. Go and spread the word about how wonderful every woman you meet is. Tell others about their beauty because chances are they don’t see it. Share your joy, your passion, yourself with everyone. Be brave.

I simply can’t say it enough – BE BEAUTIFUL, BE YOU! You are all my heroes.

www.thebadkitty.com

I hope others will be as excited as I am! I have finished the first draft of my book. It’s been a ride. The last bit has been especially hard. I realized a week or so ago that I was avoiding finishing because of all the work I’ll have to do now that it’s “done”. The editing, the redrafting, the finding of editors, publishers, etc. The fighting with others who may “know better” to keep true to my vision. And it’s going to be a great discovery process so that when I do book #2 about the Sensual personalities, it’ll be that much easier!

Here is a piece of the final chapter for you to enjoy. Watch out for THE BAD KITTY HANDBOOK coming to a store near you!

Hugs to all you beautiful kitties out there. Thank you for your support. Love you all!

Living your Authentic Sensuality is easy – and not so easy:
- Be gentle with yourself. Life can get hard. You will experience setbacks. Know that it’s all part of the process.
- Celebrate your success.
- Be easy on yourself in your struggles.
- Recognize the stories you tell yourself. Are they serving you or destroying you?
- Speak up for yourself.
- Be present at all times.
- Act in spite of fear.
- Look to your Sensual heroes. Use chapter 3 for examples.
- Remember what makes you happy, what drives you and live by it.
- Share your passion with the world.
- Do what satisfies you first.
- Keep your tank full!
- Take plenty of me time.
- Be aware of your patterns and filters. Use the ones that serve you, discard the ones that don’t.
- Above all, love yourself.

You are so amazing. As you discover more and more about yourself as you go along your journey, you will realize just how amazing you are.

You are lovable.

You are worthy.

You are YOU!

Thank you for being you. Your light shines brightly in the world. Keep it out there for all to see. BE BEAUTIFUL, my dear, BE YOU.

www.thebadkitty.com