Archive for November, 2009

I was listening to a documentary on CBC Sunday Edition yesterday called Men Who Give Gifts and the Women Who Buy the Gifts Men Give.

Yikes, talk about a touchy subject with women this time of year!  The fact is, despite not wanting to, most women buy all the gifts in the family.  They will sometimes even go so far as to buy their own gift so that they don’t have to worry about what hubby is going to pick out – if he gets around to it at all!

This cartoon is what we expect of men.  The sterotypical waiting until the last minute and getting whatever is handy.

When I was married I wanted to be the good wife.  I wanted to cook and clean and do all those traditional things expected of me.  I even got the long list of relatives  from my mother in law so that I could send everyone a Christmas card every year.  My ex certainly had no interest in doing any such thing.  He had a big extended family so compared to my teeny one, this was no small feat.  And it was before we had a computer and printer and all the rest so all the notes were hand written.

A few years into doing this I overheard my mother in law saying how some of the relatives had complained that they didn’t like the letters because there wasn’t enough about him in them, it was “all about her”.  I was in theatre school at the time and having a lot of adventures.   He was working and doing the same thing every day.  Granted, there was more about me as I had more going on.  Still, I was hurt by the comment.  If it wasn’t for me, they wouldn’t be getting any news at all!

I decided from that moment that it wasn’t up to me.  Even if I “looked bad” for not being a “good wife” I didn’t care.  It was HIS responsibility to communicate with and buy for his own family.

A lot of the tendancy to buy in the name of our men is that sense of responsibility.  We feel that if he buys a bad gift it’ll look bad on us.  And what if he gets nothing at all?  Oh my god, how could we ever live it down?  And he “never buys the right thing” anyway so if I do it, it’ll just be “easier”.  He doesn’t buy me what I want, so I’ll just get something for him.  He doesn’t have good taste.   And on and on the excuses and rationalizes go.

In essence we are robbing our men.  They may not do things up to our high standards, but who cares?  Why not cut him some slack and let him do things in the way that works for him?  We are so prone to rob our men of their power by doing for them.  Whether it’s this or so many other smaller ways, we want to be in control.  No wonder they give up.  Give them a gift of re-empowering them to make some decisions this year.

1. Ask hubby if he is willing to take over part of the gift giving if you stay out of it.  One woman on the documentary said she was tired of yelling at her husband about this topic.  I’m sure he was tired of it, too!  Reason and understanding works better with everyone, including your man.  You may be surprised at how willing he is to give it a shot if you honestly keep your nose out of it.

2. Cut yourself some slack.  You don’t have to buy the “perfect” gift for everyone.  How often have you thought you had the perfect one and gotten a mediocre response?  How about some gift cards?  Remove some non-essential people off your list.  I promise, the mailman and your massage therapist won’t remember what you got them next year – or even if you did at all.

3. Be sure you are giving for the right reasons.  Love, appreciation and joy rather than obligation, stress or necessity.  Ask your hubby to help you make a list.  Ask him who he thinks is important to buy for and why.  If he wants to add someone you don’t feel is necessary, make sure he’s the one getting the gift.

Tis the season to go a little nuts.  But please remember to be kind to yourself and those around you.  Stay away from doing things that will unreasonably increase your stress and ask rather than berate or brow beat for help.  And do it before you start to go nuts!

You don’t need to be a martyr.  You can have a good time for the holidays.  Start now by bringing others into the process.

Hugs and holiday wishes!

www.thebadkitty.com

This is a reprint of an article I wrote that appears in Womanition magazine.  Enjoy!

Ladies, when’s the last time you thought of yourself before your kids, your husband, your work? When someone asks you about yourself, do you define yourself by your family and work? Have you forgetten your dreams? Do you rush through your day barely registering each moment?

Before you start justifying or beating yourself up, let me assure you, you are not alone! You, like most modern women, are suffering from the Martyr Complex.

Women are caregivers. Men do the fighting, we do the healing. This is how we’re naturally built.  The problem comes when our caregiving nature overtakes everything else.

The martyr is the woman who has forgotten that she is important. The martyr doesn’t recognize that in order to give she has to take care of herself. The martyr is running on empty. The martyr is slowly killing herself on the inside.

Signs of the Martyr Complex:

1.Thinking of everyone else first. How often have you taken care of everyone else all day and barely leave enough time and energy to wash your face before you crawl into bed? How many times have you given up what you really want to do in a day so someone else will be happy?

2. Forgetting your dreams. If someone asked you “what’s your passion or your dream,” would you know how to answer? Once I did a workshop with a number of women. I asked them to introduce themselves and tell the group a big dream they have. Some couldn’t think of one, others only thought of things like, “for my children to be happy.” This is not a bad dream. My question is what about YOU! What do YOU want more than anything completely selfishly for yourself?

3. Lack of presence. Do you run around so much that your feet barely touch the ground? When you’re driving are you on the phone, doing your hair and rummaging in your purse? You may have seen the kleenex commercial where the woman is walking around going through her day as a voice over says “touch door knob, touch toothbrush, touch, touch, touch.” She reaches for a tissue and stops, smiles, takes the box and the voice says “feel.” That is being present, taking the time to notice and be aware in each moment.

How do you fight the Martyr Complex? With Authentic Sensuality. Sensuality is your senses, how you interact with the world. Authenticity is using your Sensuality in the world in a way that is true to who you are. Authentic Sensuality is simply expressing your true self in every situation.

When I was younger,I was constantly adjusting myself to what I thought was acceptable in each situation. I tried to be strong because that’s how my mom described me which led to me hiding my emotions. I tried to be the good little church girl and hid my wild side. I tried to be a good student and not get in trouble. I became introverted because I was less likely to make a faux pas if I just kept my mouth shut! I had few friends. I was invisible.

Now I know who I am, what is important to me. I’m true to myself no matter what. I have many friends. I receive amazing opportunities. No one would call me invisible! I’m clear on what I want from life. I have more time and energy for others because I look after myself.

Authentic Sensuality makes life easy. Getting there takes time and effort.

How to rediscover your Authentic Sensuality:

1. Write down 20 selfish goals. Things just for you! Go back to your youth to remember the things that made you excited. Pick one you can do right away and do it. Choose another long term one to work toward over the next few weeks or months

2. Spend a day without a cell phone, iPod or other device. Take a walk, go out for dinner – really enjoy every moment without distraction.

3. Do something for you. Go shopping with friends and try on something expensive or outrageous. Read a book. Go for a pedicure. Take me time.

4. Dance! Nothing gets you in touch with yourself faster than dancing. Do it alone tor go out with friends. Take a class. Move your beautiful body!

5. Accept a compliment. We get compliments all the time and toss them off. Accept the gift. Look the giver in the eye and say thank you. Notice how you walk taller and smile.

6. Look in the mirror. Ignore your negative judgements. Notice how beautiful your eyes are, your fabulous smile, your beautiful curves. Appreciate your body for all it does and thank it.

The key to Authentic Sensuality is remembering that you are beautiful – inside and out – just as you are. Have you ever met someone to whom you were immediately drawn? That’s because they were Authentic. No matter what you look like, when you are Authentic, you are incredible!

My challenge for you is to see your beauty. Express your Authenticity. Enjoy your Sensuality. Live your true self, remember your dreams, love yourself first! When you are in this space, it’s so much easier to deal with life’s craziness. You will be happier and so will those you touch. Give yourself, and those around you, the gift of you.

Remember this mantra – BE BEAUTIFUL, BE YOU!

To understand more about YOUR true Sensuality and how to express it, contact The Bad Kitty about Sensuality Coaching!

Today is World Kindness Day.  Having just had Remembrance Day (or Veteran’s Day for our US friends), it seems very appropriate to put the two together.  Remembrance Day is focused on giving our vets and Armed Forces the respect they so richly deserve for putting themselves in harm’s way.  Whether you believe in the current conflicts or not, it is still a job that requires great commitment and nerve which deserves the honor of those of us who stay home safe and sound.

In conjunction with remembering war and violence and those who keep us safe, World Kindness Day is about remembering that not everyone has it as good as we do.  It causes me to remember how fortunate I am to have so many great friends who would drop everything to help when I’m in need.  It causes me to remember how fortunate I am to have what I do – a house, a family, food and clean water.  It gives me a moment to pause and remember that even in our privileged country, not everyone has these simple things that most of us take for granted.

So today, do something for someone else.  Plug an about to expire parking metre.  Give to the Food Bank.  Give to a shelter.  Give the homeless guy your lunch.  Donate to a charity.  Gift someone who is down a smile and hug.  You’re creative people, use your imagination.  Just do SOMETHING!

And, why not do something every day.  It only takes a moment to make someone else’s day brighter.  It certainly doesn’t hurt that it will brighten yours as well.

You’re beautiful, spread it around!

www.thebadkitty.com

The Cove Publicity Shot

This spring a powerful movie was released called The Cove.  It started out to be something other than it ended up.  The result blew everyone’s minds, especially those involved in it.  While filming in Japan, the film makers discovered that under the cloak of darkness, dolphins were being slaughtered.  They could not let this story go untold.

The film turned into not only a documentary of the slaughter but also of the adventure and covert ops that needed to be undertaken in order to tell the story. They put themselves in grave danger and took unbelievable measures to get this story including hidden cameras, night dives and the best surveillance equipment available.

Unsurprisingly, the film makers were not looked upon fondly by the Japanese government and a warrant was issued for their arrest.

The entire adventure is a story of sticking to your guns, following your dreams and going against all odds.   The result is not only a beautiful, moving movie which has won a multitude of awards including such honors as Best Audience Award (Documentary) at Sundance and Sydney’s festivals and Best Feature Film in Nantucket among many other accolades.

A new development recently occurred that was the icing on the cake!  They were invited to the Japanese film festival!  It was a last minute addition to the festival which surprised everyone, not the least being director Louie Psihoyos.  His reaction is posted on Boing Boing.  And on The Cove website blog.

You can read more about the film and the festival at The Huffington Post.

This story makes me smile.  The slaughter is horrific and the story needed to be told, the atrocities revealed.  For someone to stick up for the defenseless, that makes me smile.  For someone to stick to their guns against all odds including, I’m sure, many naysayers telling them to quit, that makes me smile.  This is an inspirational story on so many levels.

The film is out on DVD in December.  If you haven’t seen it yet, be sure to make a point of rectifying that next month and be inspired.

You rock, go out there and share your vision!

www.thebadkitty.com

I heard a story recently that was a reminder of how what others do to us can harm us and how important it is to talk about what happened.  And that from pain comes hope, and more.

This story dates back to WWII.  When it was evident that the Germans were going to lose the war, they began to take out their frustration and fear on the women of the countries they occupied.  The women did everything they could to protect themselves including staying in at night, covering themselves in filth and trying to appear to be old and decrepit rather than young and desirable.

This woman’s story is told to her daughter who was a result of these rapes.  She is very close to her daughter and the love between them is evident.  What she went through was unbelievable to most of us.  The fact that she lived and suffered with it mostly in secret for 60 years, even more heartbreaking.  The fact that from this tragedy she received a beautiful gift in the life of her daughter is a beautiful ray of hope.

You can hear her story on the CBC podcast of The Current under the story Rape of Berlin – Sigrun’s Story .  You will need to scroll down the page partway to get to this story.  It is the second story on the page.

Be prepared with tissues and be willing to see the hope, life and joy that eventually revealed itself as her life continued.  It’s a great reminder of how we all go through our own personal struggles, tragedies and pain and that there is always the chance for something unexpected on the other side.

Love to you all.

www.thebadkitty.com