Christmas Martyrs – It just gets worse!
November 23rd, 2009 | 
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I was listening to a documentary on CBC Sunday Edition yesterday called Men Who Give Gifts and the Women Who Buy the Gifts Men Give.
Yikes, talk about a touchy subject with women this time of year! The fact is, despite not wanting to, most women buy all the gifts in the family. They will sometimes even go so far as to buy their own gift so that they don’t have to worry about what hubby is going to pick out – if he gets around to it at all!
This cartoon is what we expect of men. The sterotypical waiting until the last minute and getting whatever is handy.
When I was married I wanted to be the good wife. I wanted to cook and clean and do all those traditional things expected of me. I even got the long list of relatives from my mother in law so that I could send everyone a Christmas card every year. My ex certainly had no interest in doing any such thing. He had a big extended family so compared to my teeny one, this was no small feat. And it was before we had a computer and printer and all the rest so all the notes were hand written.
A few years into doing this I overheard my mother in law saying how some of the relatives had complained that they didn’t like the letters because there wasn’t enough about him in them, it was “all about her”. I was in theatre school at the time and having a lot of adventures. He was working and doing the same thing every day. Granted, there was more about me as I had more going on. Still, I was hurt by the comment. If it wasn’t for me, they wouldn’t be getting any news at all!
I decided from that moment that it wasn’t up to me. Even if I “looked bad” for not being a “good wife” I didn’t care. It was HIS responsibility to communicate with and buy for his own family.
A lot of the tendancy to buy in the name of our men is that sense of responsibility. We feel that if he buys a bad gift it’ll look bad on us. And what if he gets nothing at all? Oh my god, how could we ever live it down? And he “never buys the right thing” anyway so if I do it, it’ll just be “easier”. He doesn’t buy me what I want, so I’ll just get something for him. He doesn’t have good taste. And on and on the excuses and rationalizes go.
In essence we are robbing our men. They may not do things up to our high standards, but who cares? Why not cut him some slack and let him do things in the way that works for him? We are so prone to rob our men of their power by doing for them. Whether it’s this or so many other smaller ways, we want to be in control. No wonder they give up. Give them a gift of re-empowering them to make some decisions this year.
1. Ask hubby if he is willing to take over part of the gift giving if you stay out of it. One woman on the documentary said she was tired of yelling at her husband about this topic. I’m sure he was tired of it, too! Reason and understanding works better with everyone, including your man. You may be surprised at how willing he is to give it a shot if you honestly keep your nose out of it.
2. Cut yourself some slack. You don’t have to buy the “perfect” gift for everyone. How often have you thought you had the perfect one and gotten a mediocre response? How about some gift cards? Remove some non-essential people off your list. I promise, the mailman and your massage therapist won’t remember what you got them next year – or even if you did at all.
3. Be sure you are giving for the right reasons. Love, appreciation and joy rather than obligation, stress or necessity. Ask your hubby to help you make a list. Ask him who he thinks is important to buy for and why. If he wants to add someone you don’t feel is necessary, make sure he’s the one getting the gift.
Tis the season to go a little nuts. But please remember to be kind to yourself and those around you. Stay away from doing things that will unreasonably increase your stress and ask rather than berate or brow beat for help. And do it before you start to go nuts!
You don’t need to be a martyr. You can have a good time for the holidays. Start now by bringing others into the process.
Hugs and holiday wishes!
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I am a feminist to the core (equal not superior) yet I do all the Christmas shopping save for my gift. It is just easier. My husband has many great qualities, but gift shopping is not his strength. He does participate in the idea process in some cases. For us this works. I don’t resent because I actually sort of enjoy it, I shop all year round, and it works within the budget we set out.
That’s the key – if you enjoy it, there is no martyr complex. Unfortunately most women I know and who were on the documentary looked at it as a chore and just one more thing on their plate that they weren’t receiving support around.
I see this too – it’s a blissful time of year, yet I hear so much complaining about the stress of it all. I feel that the gifts and buying are such an overdone part of the season. My husband and I keep the holidays VERY simple. In fact, we want to start saving the money from Christmas and actually having it go toward a trip every year. We started looking at where are fondest memories are, it’s from our trips we take. We keep the gift giving focused on each other’s birthdays. With our friends, we have a dinner together and leave out the gift giving. it’s the time with each other that provides the best memories.
Great tips. It’s interesting how much pressure we put on ourselves, especially at this time of year. I especially related to the part about him buying a bad gift and us thinking it reflects on us. We really need to ease up on ourselves and give men some responsibility sometimes.