Say it with me S-E-L-F-I-S-H: SELFISH. When you say that word, what happens to you? Does it give you a little knot in the stomach? Do you hear your mom telling you as you grabbed a toy from your sibling, “Don’t be mean. That’s selfish. You have to share!” Do you hear platitudes like, “It’s better to give than to receive”? Do you cringe at the thought of being called selfish/self-centered/egotistical/greedy and so on?
Well, darlings, I’m here to tell you that sometimes you have to be selfish! The problem is that we’ve gotten so concerned with being labeled with what we perceive to be in a negative light that we sometimes don’t stand up for ourselves and what we want.
It’s certainly understandable. I’m sure we’ve all seen someone make a stand for what they want in a way that made us want to shrink into the woodwork. From the guy screaming at a barrista because she forgot to use skim milk to the couple arguing so loudly about their point of view that there’s no chance of them hearing each other to the co-worker using politics and sneaky tactics to get that promotion for which you’re more qualified. “How selfish,” we say to ourselves and anyone else in earshot.
On the other hand, what about the mother who spends her early morning hours writing her book so she can reach her goal of being published? Or the athlete who works two jobs and trains 8 hours a day over and above that to make it to the Olympics? Or even the person who respectfully tells their server that they cannot eat anything with peppers on it so please return this to the kitchen. In those cases the word selfish doesn’t even cross our mind. These people are goal oriented/true to themselves/inspiring.
In both sets of cases, if the situation were handled differently, we would put a different label on it. If the author left her family to write, we might call her selfish. If the couple were arguing yet clearly giving each other an opportunity to express their positions we would appreciate their example.
As anything, it’s all about how you handle it.
As women, we often forget that we have a place in our own lives. We would rather buy new clothes for our kids and wear the same old thing that’s falling apart. We’d rather bite our tongue than say something for the risk of sounding like a nag or shrew. We’d rather support our husband in his career than go back to school for ours. We’d rather put our dreams on hold in favor of our family/friends or virtually anyone else. We get so good at this that we start to feel guilty for even wanting something for ourselves.
Roseanne Barr said, “I love my husband, I love my children, but I want something more. Like a life.”
It’s time to get a more fulfilling life! There is an easy – and hard – way to do that. Make 50 Selfish Goals. These are goals JUST FOR YOU! They aren’t tied to your family, friends or anyone else. These could be things you want to do for fun. They could be career related. They might be life altering or simply make you smile more.
I’ve given this exercise to women who literally broke down. They couldn’t come up with 10 let alone 50. If you’re in that camp, you REALLY need this! It’s time to remember your importance in your own life.
One objection I get is that it will take away from being a wife/mother/etc. The fact is the exact opposite. We NEED to take care of ourselves and be an inspiration to others, especially our children. We need to remember and demonstrate that we have a voice, goals, drive and that we aren’t doormats. I’m sure you can think of someone who did something in their lives that was “selfish” who inspired you. Be that inspiration to your family. Show them that anything is possible!
If it’s easy for you to make the goals -YAY FOR YOU! Now the question is, are you doing them? Are you allowing yourself to be smaller than what you know you want in order to fit in or to keep from rocking the boat? It’s time to stand up in the boat and make big waves! You deserve it and the world needs it.
Start now. Put down your goals. Start with 10 if that’s all you can do right now and add to it as things come to mind. Choose one thing that you can do within the next week. Choose another that’s a big goal and make an action plan toward it. As you complete your small thing, celebrate and add something new. As you work toward your big goal, celebrate each step and when you complete it, have a big celebration – and add something new. Keep your goal list fat and have fun adding to it and doing it.
What you’ll find as you do these things is that you will be happier. You’ll have more energy. You’ll give to others with more joy. You’ll set better boundaries. You’ll be an inspiration to others!
Go out an shine. We’re waiting for your light!
Hugs, Christie