There have been generations of conflict over the perfect gift between husband and wife. Why is it, we ask, that he always seems
to get it wrong? The fact is that our minds simply work differently.
The other day I was listening to two morning DJ’s – one male, one female – talk about the gifts you never give your woman.
One item on the list was perfume samples. But, said the man, they’re a great stocking stuffer! No, said the woman, they’re not. This prompted a call from a listener to inform all those poor men out there who didn’t know what to do now, that there is a set you can get at a certain drugstore with several small vials of different fragrances. She can try each one then take in the gift certificate supplied for a 100ml bottle of her favorite. This company must have a woman in their marketing department!
No kitchen appliances was on the list unless SPECIFICALLY requested. Well, duh, we ladies think. But what if the blender is broken and she always uses the blender, he asked. Eyeroll from all the women listening. A call froma woman demonstrated the error of this way of thinking. She got a 4 slice toaster for Christmas one year because she had mentioned in passing that it would make it much easier to make toast for the family with a 4 slicer. He was proud that he had listened to her (yes, kudos to you, my man) but she didn’t ASK for it for Christmas. So she was pissed. Most women don’t want something practical for Christmas.
Keep away from anything related to the kids, she noted. Oh but a breast pump would be so thoughtful for a new mom, he said. It shows I’m thinking of her, it’s something she needs. It’s perfect were his rationalization. His co-host was far from impressed. A man called in and informed them that he had just that moment gotten a breast pump for his wife. He swore it was perfect because she needed it, he got the best one out there and it was expensive. Having a kid close to Christmas is apparently a good rationalization for such a gift. The female DJ was so flabbergasted she didn’t even know what to say.
To me, this whole conversation was further proof of how our minds work differently and how important clear communication is at all times, and especially when there’s pressure to impress and “get it right.”
To men, if it’s practical and useful whether it’s reusing all those crazy samples the perfume girl gives you or a piece of equipment that will make you’re life “easier” then it’s a good gift. To women, if it’s pretty and shows how much our man loves and values us apart from what we do, then it’s a good gift.
Ladies, sometimes we fail too. How many times have you gotten your man a tool thinking “if I just get him a good drill because he keeps complaining about the old one, maybe he’ll fix that shelf.” How many times have you given him the same old tie or shirt because you couldn’t think of anything else? We’re not immune from misreading what our partner wants.
So let’s stop the cycle.
- Be CLEAR. ASK for what you want, don’t hint or hope that somehow this year he figures it out. Sit him down, show him pictures online or give him a specific list. You know from experience that your hopeful hints dont’ work so don’t be mad when he falls short of your expectations.
- Get HIS list. When you give your list, ask the same of him. He may not be able to answer you immediately as he may never have had to think about his desires before, but keep asking. NICELY!
- Be PATIENT. Old habits take some time to change. Don’t expect a miracle the first time out. Keep coaching him and be forgiving.
- Reward the EFFORT. If you roll your eyes, say “I knew you’d screw it up” or do anything else that makes him feel like a failure he will stop trying. Thank him sincerely for what he does do and keep coaching and being clear until you get exactly what you’re looking for. Make him feel like he’s a winner!
- Release the PRESSURE. It’s so easy to get caught up in the craziness of this season. Be sure to take time together to decompress, to have fun, to connect. It’s all about love and togetherness. Release the need for perfection and relax!
Happy Holidays kitties.
Be Beautiful, Be YOU! Know you are loved and love those who love you.
Hugs, Christie