It is rewarding to find someone you like, but it is essential to like yourself. It is quickening to recognize that someone is a good and decent human being, but it is indispensable to view yourself as acceptable. It is a delight to discover people who are worthy of respect and admiration and love, but it is vital to believe yourself deserving of these things. ~Jo Coudert
Put simply, you cannot fully love someone else until you love yourself.
It occurred to me a few years ago that the men I was choosing to be in my life weren’t really “Mr.Right” as I may have thought in the moment but rather “Mr.MakesMeFeelGood”. I told a friend that I kept falling for men that made me feel good and she said, “well of course, they’re supposed to. That’s normal.”
At first I thought there must be something wrong with me if I was having trouble with this concept. If he makes me feel good, how can that be a bad thing?
The same was true of everything in my life. I would choose a job because I was flattered by the fact that they would choose me to take on some extra responsibility or told me nice things about my skills. I chose friends who didn’t necessarily share my values but were complimentary of who I was – or wanted to be. My whole life was run by how others made me feel in a moment.
Shockingly, these feelings wouldn’t last. The job would turn out to be totally wrong for me and I’d be miserable. The friend would take advantage of my lack of self respect and step all over me. The man would turn out to be a jerk who used flattery to get what he wanted or, less dramatically, simply a bad fit to my personality and wants.
It took me a long time to figure out that no matter how much I wanted others to like and accept me, I had to like and accept myself first.
Look at your life. How many decisions have you made because you thought:
- well, they’re pretty smart, they must know better than I do
- he’s so nice, I’ll go along with what he wants even though I have this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach
- I don’t want to disappoint her, she’s been so good to me
- I’ve never felt so accepted, this must be right
- if I love hard enough, they will come around
If your underlying feeling in any of these thoughts were that you would be somehow “better”, “more acceptable” or “loved” if you do something, date someone or listen to advice, red lights and sirens should go off.
Anytime we move forward, it needs to be from a place of strength, not fear or uncertainty. Not from need or scarcity but from clear direction.
Situations come up over and over that we need to either move on or discard. From a place of love and certainty, you can make those decisions more easily.
- Someone makes an observation that you’d be good at something. Does it resonate with you? Does it make your heart sing? If not, move on.
- A family member says “you were always so good at/liked/wanted to…..” Is that still true? Are you tempted to follow through to make them happy and not because you love it? Hear the warning bells.
- A potential partner makes you feel fabulous when you’re together yet you see little peeks of things that you wonder about when you’re alone. Those are the red siren lights. Pay attention.
- A friend gossips negatively and persistently about friends you have in common. What do you think they’re saying about you?
When you truly like, love, accept yourself it is much easier to choose the people and situations that serve you. When we rely on others to make us feel good about ourselves, we are bound for disappointment and only a temporary esteem boost. It’s up to you to love you.
You are amazing and beautiful just as you are – of course you’re lovable so get on it – NOW!
Hugs, Christie