First, let me say thank you for being on my Mews-letter list and for, if not always, at least on occasion reading it, sharing it and commenting on it. It means a lot to me and I hope it has given you some insights and some smiles.
Today, I’d like to use this forum to share some struggles I’ve been going through for some time. I share with trepidation because what if you stop trusting me? What if it makes me look weak and ridiculous? Often, since I see myself as a leader and have been told I’m an inspiration, it’s hard to admit that I’m also human. Shocking, I know. Yes, The Bad Kitty struggles too. Part of the Bad Kitty acronym is Authentic. I feel in order to truly be Authentic with you, my community, I must share.
First, some background. Ten years ago I started doing pole dancing parties. I started doing them for a few reasons:
- they looked like fun
- I needed a source of income
- I thought they would be a transformational experience for women
It turned out, they were all three. It was such a blast in the early days and actually pretty easy since there was no other game in town – no studios, no other way to learn to pole dance. The frequency of the parties has gone down considerably in the last few years. The competition has become fierce. Still, it didn’t really matter as I was branching out.
I had left the pole dancing company I was with and started my own company – The Bad Kitty. The purpose of The Bad Kitty, as many of you know, is to spread the message of Authentic Sensuality – giving women a chance to experience their true selves by discovering what it really means to be sensual. The core message being that every woman is amazing and beautiful just as she is – no changes required. Every woman deserves to reach for her dreams, to have selfish goals, to love and be loved for who she is and how she looks and not who others thinks she should be.
I continued to do the parties – because they were fun and a good way to spread my message in a comfortable environment. I started to do classes and wrote The Bad Kitty Handbook – A Journey Toward Authentic Female Sensuality. Things started out really well. I felt supported. I got lots of great feedback and referrals. I even went to Salt Lake City to speak at a large event. I was on the right track!
Or was I?
This last year has been nothing but doubt and sadness. My income has continually gone down rather than up. I went from selling 100 books in less than a year to 100 books in 3 years. I went from turning people away from my classes to cancelling them for lack of interest. People stopped calling to have me come speak at their events. What happened?
Truth is, I don’t know. I’ve spent the last year floundering. Depressed and unsure of what to do next. Doubting everything. Feeling like my passion and drive were misplaced or that I misunderstood my purpose. I was so sure! Why isn’t it working?
I share this not because I know the answers but because it’s the truth. I still believe in the message I’ve been sharing. I know people respond to it – thanks so much for all the responses I got privately and in the comments for my Selfish Goals post last week. On the other hand, a few kind words don’t put food on the table or build a business.
Some friends and I are doing a book study on The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth by John C. Maxwell. The second chapter, which we just completed, is the Law of Awareness. Normally, this would be “easy” for me as I’ve spent so much time figuring myself out. Instead I felt completely overwhelmed. What if everything I’ve been discovering is just a lie? What if I don’t really have a clue? I thought I was so clear, but it feels like a big failure!
So, here I sit, lost and afraid and broke, thinking of quitting all together. I know I’m not alone. I know pretty much everyone has been here at one time or another. The question is “now what?”
I don’t have an answer – yet. What I do know is that I will not stop sharing with you. I know something will shift one day soon (please, sooner rather than later!) and things will become clear. I know that the clarity will likely be a small or large change from what I have been doing. I know my desire for women to love and know themselves will never change. How I’ll share that may shift – or not.
As we go through life, these crossroads come to us all. I hope you will continue with me on the journey of discovery. I hope what I learn will help you when you come to your crossroads.
Thank you again for being part of The Bad Kitty community – because of course you are a Bad Kitty too!
Big HUGS to you all!
Christie Mawer – The Bad Kitty