Posts Tagged ‘kathy griffin’

Hey There Judgey Judgerson

We can't help it - we judge.

We hear it all the time – don’t judge!  Don’t judge me.  Don’t judge lest ye be judged.  Don’t judge a book by it’s cover.

This leads to those who claim to be somehow “above” judging.  I never judge.  Or how about this one, I don’t judge but….

It’s a fact of the universe that the more we concentrate on NOT doing something, the more it will show up in our lives.  What we focus on expands.  Another fact of the universe is that it is blind to negative words “don’t, won’t, can’t” so if you say to yourself “I don’t judge” the universe hears “I judge” and will manifest more opportunities to do just that.

It’s also a fact of psychology that we are judgement machines.  It is a built in defense mechanism.  We actually NEED to judge in order to survive.  We need to judge the temperature so we know whether to put on more clothes or get in the shade so we keep our body temperature at a healthy level.  We need to judge whether or not we need nutrition so we know when to eat.  We need to judge whether or not we are in danger so we know whether to flee or fight.

Since our brains are hard wired to judge, it naturally flows into our personal life.  We judge whether or not we want to be someone’s friend or lover.  We judge what clothes we like on our bodies and others.  We judge what foods we love and could do without.  We judge what sort of emotions are being demonstrated by others.  We are judgement machines.

I’m always listening and watching; my ear is like a boom mike. And judging, frankly. Constantly judging. ~Kathy Griffin

When it comes to judging those around us, the secret is not to say “don’t judge”, the secret is to realize you judge and check in to see if your judgement is accurate or not.

We are not only judgement machines, we are also must be right machines.  Usually when making judgements of others we simply assume that we’re right.  Psychologicallywe will find justifications for what we have already judged.

Whether born from experience or inherent physiological or cultural differences our gender and national origins may and will make a difference in our judging. ~Sonia Sotomayor

Think about it, how often have you made a judgement about someone or a situation you found yourself in and held to that opinion even after evidence came to light to the contrary?  It’s difficult to change our minds once we’ve made it up.

For example, CBC has a quiz you can take to determine which political party your values are most in line with so you can better determine who to vote for called Vote Compass.  I’ve voted NDP for as long as I can remember.  I have judged that they are the best fit for me despite the fact that I’m not very political.  During the last provincial election I took the test and to my surprise, NDP was 3rd out of the 4 parties for me .  I dismissed it by thinking I rushed through the test or that it was simply a bunch of hooey.  I was unwilling to look at any other possibility.  When I took it again recently, the same results appeared.  Much as I don’t like it, if I want to be in line with the truth, I will have to revisit my previous assumption/judgement.  I don’t like it, we never like having to look at the truth, and the facts are the facts no matter how I feel about letting go of my previous assumption.

When judging others – as we will naturally do – we often make assumptions based on limited information and we will hold to it as truth.

I am shy – yes, really, I am.  In the past when I was less sure of myself, I was even more shy and reserved.  I also have a face which, unless I concentrate on making it otherwise, looks angry.  I have had so many people say to me over the years, “I always thought you were mean/aloof/unapproachable but now that I know you, I can see that that’s not the case at all.”

Once, at work, a co-worker said to me, “you’re in a bad mood today.”  We hadn’t had any communication at all, she was basing it on my expression.  I got extremely annoyed and said back to her, “nothing puts me in a bad mood faster than someone telling me I’m in a bad mood.”

She wasn’t trying to be mean, she was simply expressing what she saw.  I took it badly.  The good thing is that she was, in her way, finding out what the truth actually was rather than walking around with the thought in her head with no evidence other than her judgement.

The key to jugement is always checking in.  How often have you checked the weather and it said it was 10 degrees out, but when you walked out the door there was a nasty north wind that sent a chill through you and you had to go back in for a warmer coat?  How often have you thought someone hated you when in fact they just didn’t know how to talk to you?  How many times have you thought someone did something with a motive you thought to be true but later found out was something completely different?

The key to judgement is to realize that it not good or bad, right or wrong.  Realize, instead that it just is.  What you do with it can be good or bad, right or wrong.  If you act on a judgement without determining if your impression is correct, you could easily end up acting on an erroneous assumption which could lead to hurt, anger, broken relationships.Check in on your judgements

For example:

  • If you think someone is angry with you – ask them.  It may have nothing to do with you or your bringing it up will lead to a much needed clearning of the air.
  • If you think someone is gossiping about you – find out from the source.  Isn’t that better than gossiping about the gossip?
  • If you are making assumptions about someone’s motives – have a chat.  What our motives would be are often not the same as someone else’s.
  • If you feel like someone has treated you badly – ask them about it.  It may turn out that there was no conscious malice at all.
  • If you have something good to tell someone – do it.  Positive judgements exist too!

Face it, we judge.  Trying to stop ourselves from something we do so naturally can only lead to disappointment with ourselves.  Accept that you judge and then act on FACTS rather than ASSUMPTIONS/IMPRESSIONS/JUDGEMENTS.  Be clear with others and allow others to be clear with you.  Wouldn’t it be great if we all treated each other from truth rather than what our own past, standards and experiences cause us to think?

Be gentle with yourself and others.  We all deserve it.

Hugs, Christie