Posts Tagged ‘self acceptance’
This week I had the privalege of attending part of a series of classes presented by Dr.Shelly Childers. One piece that was discussed I found especially interesting. We all know that we judge. It can be detrimental. It can keep you safe. We’ve discussed judgement here before. The Ah ha moment I had on Monday was the comment that when we are judgemental of ourselves, others can feel it and the energy of your self judgement gives the impression that you are judging them. This leads to two people worrying about what the other person is thinking when both are thinking about themselves.
It’s no wonder we’re all walking around worried about what everyone else is thinking of us. We feel the energy of the thoughts the other person is having about themself and we get all bent out of shape. When really, it has nothing to do with us, but them. And vice versa. Talk about crazy making.
The easy solution: stop judging yourself. When you’re able to truly stop judging yourself it opens you up to more possibilities. It opens you up to better relationships. It opens others up to feel safer and freer with you because they don’t feel judged. It makes your life fuller, more joyful, in general, happier.
The hard part: actually stopping self judgement. We are programmed to do it and we’ve become so good at it. We don’t want to be proud or full of ourselves so we go the opposite direction. This makes you take less chances. Your relationships have walls. Others subconsciously feel some discomfort around you. Your life isn’t as full or joyful as it could be.
One way to overcome self judgement is to actually listen to what others say about you. The good things, that is. Another part of the course with Dr.Shelly was standing up front and having others tell you what they saw in you. I had words like “powerful”, “sassy” as well as phrases like “do anything”, “doesn’t care what others think” and so on come my way.
Granted we don’t always get the opportunity to have people in a non threatening environment state how they feel about you in such clear fashion. I do guarantee, though, that there are many people around you trying to tell you how wonderful you are and you just aren’t listening because you’re too wrapped up in your self judgement.
Start looking and listening for the postitive messages others are sending you. It may be an offhand comment “you’re cool” or a clear compliment “I always feel so inspired by you” or even a look of admiration. Wherever this positive feedback comes from, take it in and accept the truth of the wonderful things others see in you.
The other part of the formula is to give yourself good messages. Look for what you like about yourself. Find the parts of your body you enjoy. Challenge yourself. Take risks. Go outside your box. And in it all, celebrate your successes.
A lack of judgement of yourself will lead to others feeling unjudged by you and open up all sorts of unexpected possibilities.
Are you ready for some new adventures? Now’s the time for you. Love yourself and see what happens!
It is rewarding to find someone you like, but it is essential to like yourself. It is quickening to recognize that someone is a good and decent human being, but it is indispensable to view yourself as acceptable. It is a delight to discover people who are worthy of respect and admiration and love, but it is vital to believe yourself deserving of these things. ~Jo Coudert
Put simply, you cannot fully love someone else until you love yourself.
It occurred to me a few years ago that the men I was choosing to be in my life weren’t really “Mr.Right” as I may have thought in the moment but rather “Mr.MakesMeFeelGood”. I told a friend that I kept falling for men that made me feel good and she said, “well of course, they’re supposed to. That’s normal.”
At first I thought there must be something wrong with me if I was having trouble with this concept. If he makes me feel good, how can that be a bad thing?
The same was true of everything in my life. I would choose a job because I was flattered by the fact that they would choose me to take on some extra responsibility or told me nice things about my skills. I chose friends who didn’t necessarily share my values but were complimentary of who I was – or wanted to be. My whole life was run by how others made me feel in a moment.
Shockingly, these feelings wouldn’t last. The job would turn out to be totally wrong for me and I’d be miserable. The friend would take advantage of my lack of self respect and step all over me. The man would turn out to be a jerk who used flattery to get what he wanted or, less dramatically, simply a bad fit to my personality and wants.
It took me a long time to figure out that no matter how much I wanted others to like and accept me, I had to like and accept myself first.
Look at your life. How many decisions have you made because you thought:
- well, they’re pretty smart, they must know better than I do
- he’s so nice, I’ll go along with what he wants even though I have this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach
- I don’t want to disappoint her, she’s been so good to me
- I’ve never felt so accepted, this must be right
- if I love hard enough, they will come around
If your underlying feeling in any of these thoughts were that you would be somehow “better”, “more acceptable” or “loved” if you do something, date someone or listen to advice, red lights and sirens should go off.
Anytime we move forward, it needs to be from a place of strength, not fear or uncertainty. Not from need or scarcity but from clear direction.
Situations come up over and over that we need to either move on or discard. From a place of love and certainty, you can make those decisions more easily.
- Someone makes an observation that you’d be good at something. Does it resonate with you? Does it make your heart sing? If not, move on.
- A family member says “you were always so good at/liked/wanted to…..” Is that still true? Are you tempted to follow through to make them happy and not because you love it? Hear the warning bells.
- A potential partner makes you feel fabulous when you’re together yet you see little peeks of things that you wonder about when you’re alone. Those are the red siren lights. Pay attention.
- A friend gossips negatively and persistently about friends you have in common. What do you think they’re saying about you?
When you truly like, love, accept yourself it is much easier to choose the people and situations that serve you. When we rely on others to make us feel good about ourselves, we are bound for disappointment and only a temporary esteem boost. It’s up to you to love you.
You are amazing and beautiful just as you are – of course you’re lovable so get on it – NOW!
Did you hear about this? A French dietician has suggested that the school system give kids better final marks for being their “ideal weight”.
Anyone else just go “WHAAAAAAATTT??????”
“It’s a fantastic motivator,” says Pierre Dukan.
For who? The already fit and skinny? Those prone to eating disorders? COME on!!
Okay, I’ll give this guy a teeny tiny break. Maybe a small percentage of youth would be motivated to take off a few pounds in order to get better marks in school. But, I would wager, a very small percentage. That small percentage who is driven by marks and not the many other pressures of high school.
For the most part I can see the ones who already feel they are less than worthy and unaccepted spiralling deeper into self loathing. The last thing teens need is someone telling them they’re actually going to do worse in school because they can’t take off those pounds. I’d call that extremely de-motivating for those who already feel badly about the way they look.
There are those who are naturally a little larger. There are those whose metabolism hasn’t caught up yet. There are those who are happier with a little extra padding. There are those that just don’t care. Whatever the situation, it’s no excuse to treat them as unworthy of the marks that they deserve. It is even less of a reason to give the ones who a dietician or anyone else deems “healthy”, “acceptable”, or in some way better to get something for nothing.
This makes me vibrate!
What France, and every other high school and junior high needs is self esteem and self love education. Get people in the schools that teach the students – especially girls – that they don’t have to reach some mythical standard of looks in order to be successful, loved and worthy.
I don’t know of anyone, even the ones who those of us who felt less popular thought had it all, didn’t have something that we felt bad about while going through school – and maybe still do. The head cheerleader might hate her nose. The captain of the basketball team may be worried about whether or not they have the marks to graduate. The valedictorian might have an eating disorder. We all have things we don’t like about ourselves no matter how together we may appear to others.
These feelings often stay with us well into adulthood. It’s time to take hold of those things we have been beating ourselves up over and know that, in the big picture, they really don’t matter. We need to be able to look in the mirror and see what we love, not what we think is substandard.
When’s the last time you saw a lion in the mirror?
When’s the last time you smilled when you looked in the mirror?
When’s the last time you knew, absolutely knew, that you are perfect just the way you are? If ever?
Don’t let any of the old tapes tell you that there’s something sub-par about you.
Tell the Pierre Dukans of the world to piss off.
Look in the mirror and KNOW that you are amazing and beautiful just as you are; no changes required. Really, you are.
You are as amazing as you let yourself be. Let me repeat that. You are as amazing as you let yourself be. ~Elizabeth Alraune
As I always say, You are amazing and beautiful just as you are; no changes required!
So why is it we have such a hard time believing it? There are so many messages out there telling how we should be, should look in order to be popular or even acceptable. It’s hard not to pay attention when we’re inundated with messages from media, family, friends, work and even strangers day in day out.
For many of us getting over these messages is a life long battle. Even the confident have days (or months) of feeling less than fabulous about themselves.
I’ve recently been having a long struggle with my feelings of adequacy around my business. Thankfully I have friends and supporters who are there as sounding boards, to pick my butt up off the floor and give me a gentle shove. It hasn’t been easy and yet I keep going, looking for the lion in the mirror instead of the scared tabby.
What it boils down to is being willing to see the good rather than what we may deem inadequate. Change how you see, not how you look. This applies to who you are as much as it does to how you look. Rather than beating yourself up for what’s not working, for what you have challenges with; celebrate what you can do, what you’re great at, the successes you’ve had and how far you’ve come on your journey.
- Celebrate your successes. Dance, press and easy button, look yourself in the mirror and say “good job”.
- Reflect on your progress. On a regular basis, at least once a quarter, look back at what you’ve accomplished so you don’t forget to acknowledge and celebrate how far you’ve come.
- Accept compliments graciously. Nothing changes our perception of ourselves faster than seeing ourselves through the eyes of those who love and believe in us.
- Support others. Be the champion of those you love and build them up. This will build your love of self at the same time.
- Challenge yourself. Do something on a regular basis that scares you to build your confidence.
Having a low opinion of yourself is not “modesty”. It’s self-destruction. Holding your uniqueness in high regard is not “egotism”. It’s a necessary precondition to happiness and success. ~Bobbe Sommer
Today is a wonderful day for self esteem. My friend, Kelly Falardeau, has published a new book called Self Esteem Doesn’t Come In A Bottle. I had the
privelage of contributing to the book as well. Kelly is a burn survivor who speaks on similar topics as I do and has an incredible story of self acceptance and survival due to her injuries at a very early age. This book contains many tips on building your esteem in a healthy, supportive manner. Interested in knowing more? You can learn more and pick up Kelly’s book here.
You have a lion inside you. A beautiful, strong lion who loves others as much as itself. A lion who knows how to look after itself in order to look after others. You have a special lion gift to share with the world, little tabby. Are you willing to let it loose?
We are each gifted in a unique and important way. It is our privilege and our adventure to discover our own special light. ~Mary Dunbar
You are amazing and beautiful just as you are – do you believe it yet?
Be Beautiful, Be YOU!